Why Men Pull Away And What To Do About It

If you’re man is pulling away from you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he has fell out of love with you or doesn’t like you anymore. I will go through the reasons why men might pull away in a relationship and what you can do to bring him right back in.

There are a lot of reasons why men might pull away in a relationship and many of which are actually contradictory to their actions. Because of this, you shouldn’t blame yourself nor should you assume that he is no longer into you. If it is something you are doing then never fear I have all the answers to help you get your relationship back on track.

There was a time many years ago that I found my man pulling away and while it really hurt my feelings, I decided to look at it objectively so I wouldn’t get angry or upset with him which might have pushed hum further away. It turned out that it was stress of work and other responsibilities that was weighing him down, not me. We worked through it together and got the relationship back stronger than ever.

Don’t Push Him Further Away By How You React

Angry couple arguing

For whatever reason your man is pulling away, it can be fixed but only if you follow the advice I have given in this blog post. The last thing you want to do is push him further away which you can do by how you react to his pulling away.

It is very common for women to chase their man to get answers as to why they have stopped coming over or have stopped calling every day. Doing this will only put further pressure on your man and while I appreciate you want answers, chasing him isn’t the best way to get them nor is it the best way to get your man back.

All you need to remember is that this can be a very normal phase for men and he is not playing games, he simply wants to get back in touch with who he is which is actually a good thing.

He’s Pulling Away Because He Really Likes You

Angry Woman

I bet you had to read this heading twice didn’t you? No it’s not a mistake, it’s a very real possibility that he is pulling because he likes you. This can be a fairly frustrating scenario for women but you have to understand his feelings too. He may be feeling vulnerable now that he realised just how much he likes you, and that may frighten him a bit.

The usual tell-tale signs of this are if he is starting to act very strange such as being more mean or distant from you lately, or of he always seem too busy to go out with you. At this point, you may be thinking that he is no longer interested in you but in actual act, he is feeling scared that he has developed these feelings for you. This is usually the case with men who have not been in a serious relationship before and have always seen themselves as ‘players’. Remember not to make things worse by acting defensive and getting angry with him.

What To Do

Couple talking

In this situation, the first thing to do is not to get upset but to feel happy that the reason he is pulling away is actually because he likes you. You need to reassure him that you have the same feelings for him but without adding pressure. This can be a fine balance as if you come on to him full force, you may freak him out and he will further pull away.

Make light of the situation and gently reassure him that you are on the same level of feelings as him so that there can’t be any misunderstandings. You can also let him know that you can take things as slowly as he wants and just enjoy each other’s company without analysing current status.

The best thing to be is relaxed. If you are relaxed about it then he will be too and he will be more likely to open up about it which will bring him closer to you. When he does open up to you, be supportive and honest with how you react, not dismissive or pressurizing.

He Has A Phobia Of Commitment

Man walking out

One of the biggest reasons why men pull away in a relationship is because they have a fear of commitment. Again this doesn’t have much to do with how you have acted in the relationship; it is more to do with his own fears. Having said that though, if you non-stop talk about commitment and marriage then you could in fact trigger this fear which will lead him to pull away.

If you’re going through this, you’re not the only one. It is common for men to fear commitment as they fear change. Men sometimes see committed relationships as leading to some major changes in their life. They like to keep their independency and do the things they enjoy doing and they sometimes see relationships as stopping them from doing the things they enjoy to do such as watching the football or having poker nights with friends.

Having a fear of commitment doesn’t mean that he wants to be single though, it just means that he fears change that may come from being in a relationship.

What To Do

Men drinking

There are two scenarios in this instance; whether it is you who is triggering this fear or whether this fear is already embedded in him. If it is you who is triggering this fear by pressurizing him to commit or dropping not-so-subtle hints about marriage, the first thing you need to do is to stop pressurizing him. You will keep pushing your man further away from you if you continue to put pressure on him to commit. Let him come to his own decision and commit in his own time.

If this fear of commitment is already embedded in your man and you know you haven’t been adding any pressure on him, you can do something similar to the first step. Be relaxed about it and make light of the situation. Reassure him that he can still go out with friends and do the things he enjoys doing and have the best of both worlds. If you show him that you can do both, then he will realise the same.

If he really doesn’t want to add labels to the relationship then you can respect his wishes but tell him that even though you’re officially not a couple, you would prefer that he didn’t date other women while he is dating you. He should respect your wishes just as you have respected his.

He’s Not Being Challenged

Woman talking on phone

This is a reason that is caused by your actions so is something you can easily control and change. If you make yourself available all of the time to your man, he may lose interest as there is no challenge. It may sound silly but men love the hunt, so make him work for it but without going too far as to make him think you aren’t interested. For example, if he calls you and asks whether you want to go out on Saturday night and you have arranged to go out with your girlfriends, don’t drop those plans, tell him you are busy that night. Dropping plans at the drop of a hat because he has text or called you to go out makes you overly available to him.

You will start to notice whether he is pulling away when you try and call him to go out and he stops making himself available to you. You need to shift this level of balance back to you so he has something to fight for.

What To Do

Woman drinking with friends

To shift this balance back to you, simply get a life of your own. Make plans with your girlfriends or your family to go out at weekends and evenings and when your man next calls you to go out, tell you already have plans. He will notice this change straight away and the instinct to start the hunt will kick in.

Another way to make yourself less available is if he calls you or text you; leave it for half an hour so before calling or texting back. By texting or calling back straight away can make you look a little too eager and he may start to think that you are getting dependent on what he is doing. Men like women who are independent and enjoy their own interest and hobbies. Women who have too much dependency on men can become a burden.

In order to stop your man from pulling away, give him a challenge and give him something to fight for. It will certainly keep him interested in you and the relationship.

He’s Lost His Identity

Woman controlling man

Another big reason why men might have pulled away is because they feel they have lost their identity. This doesn’t mean he has lost his driving licence or passport, it means his sense of freedom. This can either be caused because you get angry at him for going or because he has got too comfortable with you and has stopped doing the things he loved. You can help fix either one of these whether it is changing your own behaviour or helping him rediscover the things he loves to do.

A man pulling away from the relationship to rediscover who he is through no fault of your own isn’t necessarily a bad thing and could maybe even be seen as a good thing. Earlier on I spoke about how men don’t find it attractive when women become too dependent on them; this counts for women too. Women are attracted to him who are independent and don’t rely on them for things or rely on the relationship to make themselves feel good.

What To Do

Men watching football

If your man has pulled away because you have stopped him for doing the things he loves to do and so he feels he is losing his identity, you need to be less controlling and more supportive of the things that make him happy. It is important for both of you to enjoy other things as well as each other’s company. If he wants to go and watch the football game with this friends once a week then let him, you get the other 6 days don’t you?

If your man has pulled away from the relationship because he feels he has lost his identity because he has become too comfortable in the relationship, support him in doing the things he enjoys doing. Another way is if you rediscover who you are too. If your man sees that you are enjoying other things in life as well as the relationship, he will realise that he can do the same too.

By rediscovering who you both are before you started dating may lead you to fall in love all over again, bringing you closer together rather than further apart.

You Slept With Him Too Soon

Couple in bed

While you can’t do anything about changing the act that you slept with your man too soon in the relationship, unless you have invented a time machine of course, there are things you can do to stop your man pulling away because of it.

Sleeping together before even establishing a relationship means that no feelings have been developed and there is no challenge for him. If a man has already got what he wanted, he doesn’t have much of a reason to stick around which as rubbish as it is, can be very true.

Going back to the point of giving him a challenge, you need to hold out on sleeping with him so as his instinct to hunt is triggered. By chasing after you, his interest in you will build as the thrill and excitement of the challenge also builds. Another point to mention is that you don’t him placing you under a certain negative type of girl.

So with all this being said, is it possible to redeem yourself after sleeping with him too soon? It is a hard one to do, I won’t lie, but it certainly isn’t impossible.

What To Do

Couple talking in bed

This will only work if he has an interest in you. If hey guy is only looking for sex and not interested in the person then it won’t work I’m sorry to say. One thing that you do need to do is not chase him, this may freak him out and push him away for good. Don’t have the thought that just because you slept together that now he must take you out and you start a relationship, this isn’t true and men don’t see it that way so don’t try and force it on him.

The best thing to do in this situation after you have slept with the guy you like too soon is to tell him how you feel and be honest. Also don’t be so serious about it and make sure to tell him that you enjoy your night together. Once you have done so, leave it at that and don’t keep pushing it. If he is interested about you and wants to get to know you then he will make an effort to do so.

He Is Stressed

Woman nagging

If your man is feeling stressed because of work or perhaps he’s already got kids with someone else who he’s having problems with, this level of stress can lead him to start pulling away. If your man has got a lot of things going on in his life that stressing him, he doesn’t want to have to worry about your feelings, wants or needs too. If you are fairly dependent on your man then you may become a burden which will add to his stress levels.

This also counts for any kind of nagging. Let’s face it, we all love to have a good moan about they leave the toilet seat up, how they leave their clothes hanging on the bannister or how they can’t seem to put a single dish away. If your man already has other stresses though, it is not the best time to be picky about his annoying habits.

He will come back to you after he has levelled himself out as long as you’re not the one is adding to his stress levels.

What To Do

Wife comforting husband

The first thing you can do to help him get past this and see him come back to you is to support him through it. Make sure he knows that he can talk to you without you being dismissive, defensive or judgemental. If he has someone he feels comfortable talking to, and that someone is you, it will actually bring him closer to you rather than pulling himself away.

Sometimes it is not the best thing to give advice or opinion on something as it can rile him and he may feel that you are judging his feelings. All you need to do is listen to how he is feeling and reassure him that he can always talk to you. If he ever wants advice or your opinion, he will ask for it.

If it is you that is adding to his stress levels then the first thing you need to do is to stop picking at him or nagging him about all his annoying habits. Doing this, is a guaranteed way to push further away from you.

He’s Taking On Traits He Doesn’t Want To

Woman shopping while man is bored

Your man at some point may realise that he is taking on some traits of yours or is getting a bit too soppy because he spend so much time around you. This will cause imbalance and might make him feel that he is more your girlfriend than a boyfriend. The reason why relationships work with women and men is because women are women and men are men.

Sharing interests and doing things you enjoy together is great but don’t let it get so far as where your man feels he is losing his masculinity. Losing his masculinity will not only affect him but it will also affect you. You will begin to feel less attracted to him which he will notice and may lead him to start pulling away.

You may not even realise that this is what is happening which will leave you feeling confused as to why your man is pulling away and leave you feeling hurt and rejected.

What To Do

Man holding remote control

Whatever you do, don’t feel hurt or rejected if he is pulling away because he needs to rediscover his masculinity, you should be happy that he is. The best thing for you to do is encourage him to do the things he loves to do. Think back to what he loved to do before your relationship started. If it he enjoyed spending his Saturday’s watching the football then encourage him to do this by putting it on for him. If he loved his power tools and DIY before then encourage him to carry on doing it by making him a man cave to put all his tools in or set him a challenge.

You can also encourage him to do those things he used to love by giving his some space so you can go and enjoy the things you love to do. If he sees you enjoying time apart as well as enjoying time together, he will realise he can also do the same. You will soon have your man back, more masculine than ever.

He’s Not In Lead

Man shying away from mirror

Men are born leaders and love to compete with others, make tough decisions and be the bread winner of the household. If you take all these things away from your man then he will feel he has no purpose which could again, reduce his masculinity. It may sound daft but at this moment in time, I am watching Shrek Forever After and he is pretending to roar in the mirror to himself in an attempt to remember his masculine self before being married and having kids. While comparing Shrek to your man seems crazy (or maybe not), the point is still the same.

I said before that it is good for you to be independent and that men find this attractive but don’t take this too far and start to dominate the relationship. If you do this, you will take away your man’s masculinity. It is important for you to your man a lead so he can assert his masculinity… you will actually benefit from it.

What To Do

Couple buying car

If it isn’t already obvious, make sure you give him opportunities to initiate things and assert his masculinity. Be more relaxed about making decisions as you don’t have to decide everything in the relationship, let him make some decisions. This could be simple things like where you want to go for dinner or could be big things such as which car to buy together.

If it just so happens that you make more money than your man which is great but don’t keep reminding him of it. Your man will appreciate you making more money and will have plenty of respect for you and be proud of you but you don’t want to turn these positive feelings into negative feelings by keep reminding him or boasting that you’re the breadwinner.

I have a friend who is the breadwinner and who makes really good money. While we are all so proud of her, she does have tendency to constantly remind everyone that she is the breadwinner in the relationship and that she has to remind her man whose money he is spending and put him in his place. I’m all for women power but I don’t agree with putting others down on your way to the top.

He’s Feeling Suffocated

Husband suffocating

This is one reason that has a direct reason why your man is pulling away because of how you behave around him. If you are ultra-needy then you could very well be suffocating him which will lead to him wanting to break free and pull away from you. In all honesty, this is one of my worst traits and sometime I don’t even realise how needy I am being. The only difference is that my man has learnt to tell me when I am being needy which we will then joke about.

Men want to feel they are wanted and desired in a relationship, not that they are needed. I’m sure you agree that being needed in a relationship just doesn’t sound as romantic as being desired. Me and my partner joke about me being needy sometime because I always chase him around for hugs and always to get showers together which is more of a desired feeling.

The needy type the will lead to him pulling away is if you need your man to fill a void in your life or if you need him to make yourself feel good. This is the kind of needy where your man is needed and not desired.

What To Do

Couple consulting psychiatrist

If you need your man to fill a void in your life or to make yourself feel good, it is time to dig deeper into those issues and resolve them rather than rely on your man to make yourself feel better. Whether you decide to go to a psychiatrist, a close friend, family member or even your man, make sure to find why it is you are needy and what you can do to fill these voids.

I know someone whose girlfriend had been cheated on in previous relationships and is now incredibly needy. It has gotten that bad that he isn’t working because she “freaks out” when he leaves her alone. This isn’t a healthy relationship and there will come a time when he will walk away because there is only so much people can take.

To stop your man from feeling suffocated, make sure your life is whole and if it isn’t get help from somewhere and don’t rely on your man to cover them up.

He Has Doubts About The Relationship

Husband in doubt

This is a hard to stomach but it can happen. Men can pull away from a relationship because they are starting to have doubts about it. Don’t worry though this is quite normal and usually happen later on in a relationship. Us women can also have these doubts so it is certainly not a man thing. I would be lying if I said that I had doubts about my relationship with husband before we got married. These doubts would usually surface after we had an argument but then they would soon disappear again after I had calmed down and realise it was just an argument and arguments happen.

If he is having doubts about the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have done anything wrong or feel you have been a bad girlfriend. It could mean that he’s just unsure about being in a committed relationship. This could go back to the commitment phobia issue which he could have if he’s not been in a relationship before or if he has been in a committed relationship in the past but was cheated on.

What To Do

Wife assuring husband

If you believe your man is pulling away because he is starting to have doubts about the relationship then you can always talk to him about it. Make sure the conversation is kept calm though so he stays open and honest with you. If he tells you it is the commitment itself that’s bothering him then reassures him that this isn’t something to worry about and you can take the relationship however fast or slow he wants. Reassure him that enjoying each other’s company is the main priority and what will be, will be and there is no point in worrying about it.

If your man says he doubts the relationship because of you then whatever you do, don’t make the situation worse by getting angry or upset. While your heart may be breaking inside, keep calm and tell him how you feel and that if he doesn’t feel the same then you will respect his decision.

He Feels Rushed Into Things

Woman proposing

If you are trying to rush the relationship along quickly then this will not go unnoticed. If your man isn’t on the same wave length as you and isn’t ready to rush into things, it will lead him to pull away from you and the relationship. There are two people in a relationship, not just you. While you may want things to move quickly, it is important to take into consideration how your man is feeling and how fast or slow he wants the relationship to move.

A woman I used to work with said she had a friend who had set herself goals in life such, she’ll be married by the time she is 30 and have her first child a year later. Life just doesn’t happen this way and the worst thing you can do is set yourself these targets as they don’t include what your man wants; they are all about what you want.

What To Do

Couple enjoying

The first you need to do is start to relax more. If you have set yourself targets of when you will be married and when you will have kids… get rid of them. Being in a relationship should be about romance, learning to know everything about each other and enjoy time with each other. Relationships are not about setting deadlines for when your move in together, when you should get married and when you should have kids.

If you’re rushing things because you simply love him then it may be harder to slow things down but for the sake of the relationship and the man you love, it is best to do so. Let the relationship develop at a pace of its own that is comfortable for both you and him. Finding a happy medium is what will make him and you fell happy with the way the relationship is developing.

It’s In Their Testosterone Levels

Testosterone

If your man is pulling away, it may be because of science. You read that right; there is actual scientific evidence to show why men might pull away from a relationship. When men start to get too attached to you, evidence has shown that they start to feel uncomfortable in the relationship which in turn leads them to start pulling away.

When men start to get close to a woman, it release a hormone called Oxytocin which reduces stress levels in women which is great but at the same time it can reduce testosterone levels in men. Lower testosterone levels can actually increase stress in men so while you’re happy and stress-free in the relationship, he could be feeling the opposite.

If your man has low testosterone, he will want to pull away while rebuilding his testosterone levels. This is one of those reasons that is something that isn’t because of what you have said or done, it is simply in their DNA.

What To Do

Husband watching

There really isn’t a lot you can do in this situation as raising his testosterone levels is something he needs to work on himself. Having said that, there are a couple of things you can do to support him on his quest for higher testosterone such as giving him his space and not to take it personally.

Men can feel the stress of a relationship a lot more and a lot quicker than woman so if they fell suffocated in the relationship don’t shout at him… it is in his DNA. Respect that he needs personal time and encourage him to out with friends or spend a Saturday watching the football while you go out shopping or out with friends.

Women tend to ask themselves questions when their men start pulling away such as “what have I done” or “have been a rubbish girlfriend”. Don’t blame yourself for anything, just simply give him a bit of space and he will soon come back to you.

When To Give Up On A Man

Woman leaving

If you have tried everything that I suggested but yet your man is still pulling further away, then it is time to start thinking about when to give up on him. Don’t ever give up on him because of fear though such as fear of being rejected or fear of embarrassing yourself. This isn’t a good enough reason and sometime putting yourself out there, gets you your man.

It is time to give up on your man if he has pulled so far away that he is starting to act a bit shady and you don’t completely trust him anymore. While it is important to give men their space and freedom, that is only up till a certain point. However, before you get ready to give up on him, make sure you try the below.

Sonya Schwartz
 

A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr "Right" and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here...

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