After finding out that your husband has cheated on you, you will feel heartbroken, and the only thing you might want to do is scream and shout at him, telling him how he has made you feel. This can be the obvious thing to do, but for the best results, you need to deal with this issue maturely and calmly. That is precisely what this article is here to help you with.
So yes, it might hurt like hell, but you need to put on your strong face (us women are expert at doing that, let’s be honest) and be able to find out more and speak to him adequately. This can be exceptionally hard when you feel like your world is falling apart around you. But, if you say the right things to your husband and have the correct type of conversation with him, it can help you hugely with moving forward.
It’s essential that when dealing with your marriage going through difficult times, you are as level headed and transparent as possible. Therefore, my first advice would be that if you need some time away to cool down and get your emotions in check, you have an absolute right to do this.
Of course, however you choose to move forward will be at your discretion, but in this article, I have compiled ten things which you can say to your husband to encourage the most honest and most authentic results. It’s so vital to have strong communication when dealing with the issue of cheating, to be able to come to your decision as to what you will do next.
So, I hope these points can give you some assistance in this challenging and confusing time.
- 0.1 1. You need to tell him how this has made you feel.
- 0.2 2. Ask him why he cheated.
- 0.3 3. Ask him how he felt, knowing that he would be hurting you.
- 0.4 4. Ask him every detail you want to know and tell him what you don’t.
- 0.5 5. Ask him if he will end the affair.
- 0.6 6. Ask him if he is willing to put in work to fix what he has broken.
- 0.7 7. Ask him what he think went wrong between you, which lead him to cheat.
- 0.8 8. Ask him if you think he will do it again.
- 0.9 9. Ask him why he thinks you should stay.
- 0.10 10. Ask yourself.
- 1 Conclusion
1. You need to tell him how this has made you feel.
Of course, they need to know how they have made you feel. It wouldn’t be fair to act like they haven’t done anything wrong. They have been unfaithful to you and the sacred bond of marriage that you shared between you. They have ruined the trust that you have in them.
So, the first thing to say is that like I said above, it is not a good idea to shout and get angry. This will most likely only lead to a massive argument, which won’t be beneficial for either of you.
Whatever you want to say to them, start by saying, “I feel…”. It’s a calm but powerful way to tell them how they have made you feel. It doesn’t spark any anger in them; it just merely lets them know how you feel. Be completely honest too – this is your time to tell them precisely what they have done to you.
Not only will they not have any grounds to start an argument with you, but because they care for you, this will hit them. It will hit them hard that you feel like you do, and they know they’re to blame.
This is undoubtedly more powerful than screaming and shouting.
2. Ask him why he cheated.
It might help to start the conversation with, “I want to understand why…”. This will make him feel a little more at ease to be open with you.
Another way to make sure he feels open is to speak to him in a mutually safe and secure place. You need to show him that you genuinely want to listen to him and his reasons for cheating, so he will appreciate it if he feels like you’re physically in a space that he feels safe.
Now I know it might sound like my advice is really biased towards making him feel comfortable, and that is understandably the last thing you want to do, but it’s the only way you will get the conversation and answers you are looking for. Please don’t think I’m saying that you need to be overly kind to him. What he has done is wrong and has hurt you to no end, but you can still make him realize that without him shutting down to you.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, this might be the most painful conversation you have ever had, but it is necessary. You need to know why he had to stray from your relationship. It might help you to understand the severity of the situation.
There can be many reasons that people cheat, so it would be useful to pin down the reason for his unfaithfulness before making any rash decisions.
3. Ask him how he felt, knowing that he would be hurting you.
This can be a helpful question to bring up, which will basically show you if he is a lying deceitful person who you should give up on, or if he genuinely made a mistake and you could maybe work through this with him.
A lot of the time, cheaters cheat because they think they will never get caught. Then, once they are caught, they will say things like, “I never meant to hurt you” but what they actually mean is that they didn’t mean for you to find out, therefore you wouldn’t be hurt by it.
As this man is your husband, you will surely be able to tell if he is genuinely torn up by it, or if he would have probably continued the affair if you didn’t find out.
In addition to this, it all depends on the situation in which you found out about the cheating and the severity of unfaithfulness. For example, if he was unfaithful with another woman once, and he told you about it straight away, this probably shows that he wanted to own up to his actions straight away and be honest with you.
However, if you caught him having an affair, which you later might realize has been going on for some time, you need to ask yourself if you think he would have ever told you if you had not caught him.
4. Ask him every detail you want to know and tell him what you don’t.
Firstly, to be able to ask your husband this question, you need to have decided with yourself first what you want to know, and which details you definitely don’t. When people find out their spouse is cheating, their first instincts are to ask all the details.
When I say all the details, I mean everything. A lot of women feel enraged and find themselves asking all the questions, especially intimate ones. If you feel like you need to know how many times your husband slept with this woman or where they did it, and it helps you, then that is entirely up to you.
However, other people might not want all of those details. Admittedly, it’s bad enough knowing that your husband was unfaithful to you – you don’t need to understand how their sex life was together.
It’s important to say that if you ask your partner for all the intimate details of his affair, not only will this make you feel uncomfortable, but it will also create an image in your brain leading to anger and resentment.
So, make sure you go into the conversation knowing your boundaries concerning this. Tell your husband clearly what you want to know and what you don’t, to ensure that he doesn’t trigger you into anger.
5. Ask him if he will end the affair.
It might be shocking to know that not all affairs stop when they are caught. So, this is definitely something you need to broach with him, and his answer will significantly differ depending on what type of relationship he has with this other woman.
Although there can be many types of cheating, for this point, we are going to focus on two examples.
The first is a sexual fling. This type of cheating can be shut down very quickly because there wasn’t any feeling attached in the first place. Therefore, if your husband had a one-time hook up with someone, you can probably be rest assured he will not do this again.
The second type is an emotional and sexual affair. If this is the nature of your husband’s affair, it will be much harder for him to end it. He has an emotional attachment to this woman, so if he says he will end it, you might have to delve a little deeper. You could ask him how he is going to break it to her or how he will get over it. Of course, you couldn’t care less about their relationship together ending, but you have to ask these questions to see if he is truthful.
It is also beneficial to ask this question before you have given him an answer as to what you are going to do moving forward. Therefore you will probably get the most honest answer. Your husband is most likely to tell you that you’re the only woman for him, that he loves you and you only and that he will never see her again. But you have to be able to see the truth in his words.
6. Ask him if he is willing to put in work to fix what he has broken.
The majority of the time, when a cheater gets caught, they will beg for their wife to stay with them, and they will claim that they will change and turn into better people. However, this is not always the case moving forward. A lot of what they say when caught can be unfulfilled promises.
A lot of the time, cheaters can feel like once their spouse has decided to take them back, they have got a get out of jail free card. They won’t change, and they won’t try to better themselves and their relationship. So, it is vital that you still don’t show your partner your plans moving forward. You need to see if they actually will make good of their promises.
You need to make them aware that it will take a long time to heal the relationship, progress between the two of you will not happen overnight. So, are they willing to spend this much time and dedication to get your relationship back on track?
7. Ask him what he think went wrong between you, which lead him to cheat.
This point can seem similar to point number two. In some respects, it can be quite similar. You still want to understand why he felt like he needed to stray from you.
However, this point asks him directly what he thinks was/is wrong with your relationship. It might also be beneficial to ask him when he felt your relationship started to break down. If he can pinpoint a specific event or time, you can think back to it and see what was happening.
When he answers, it might be useful to ask some follow-up questions such as, “Why did you feel like you couldn’t talk to me at the time?” or “Why did you feel like you had to go and cheat to solve what was happening?”
For example, in a lot of cases, husbands decide to cheat in instances such as pregnancy or after childbirth. They choose to cheat because they feel it might be easier to direct their sexual attention elsewhere than to weigh you down with their issues, especially if they can tell that you are not feeling up to it.
If you decide to work through this problem together and stay with him, it is vital to pinpoint what the issue was that caused him to cheat, or when he started to lose interest in your relationship. This way, when you go to marriage counseling or therapy together, you can straight away tell the professional when everything started to fall apart. It might make for quicker progress.
8. Ask him if you think he will do it again.
There is a big difference between a serial cheater, and someone cheated once. So, you need to think about your husband. So first, you can probably think about this question by yourself before you ask him.
Has he ever cheated before, in previous relationships? If so, this is probably not a good sign. Or is this simply the first time he (in your knowledge) has ever been unfaithful?
You need to make sure that when you ask him this question, he answers with honesty. Reassure him that you just need to know the truth, it’s not about him trying to beg for you back anymore.
Even if he has said that he will end his current affair, you need to make sure that his head is not going to be turned again. You will most likely be able to tell if his response to this question is genuine, so go with what your gut instinct is telling you.
9. Ask him why he thinks you should stay.
This question allows him to tell you everything that he thinks you want to hear. You need to make sure he knows that you haven’t made any decisions yet, and you will not be swayed massively by whatever he says now. Tell him that you don’t want to hear sweet nothings and promises that will be broken, you want to listen to the honest reasons that he thinks you should stay with him.
It’s important to note that whatever he says, should not make you feel guilty. For example, if he thinks you should stay with him because of the children you share, or that you will be breaking your family’s heart by ending things, this is entirely irrelevant. The problem that has occurred is between the two of you. It has nothing to do with outside influences.
Also, he was the one that has broken the trust in the relationship between you, and he is ultimately to blame for this.
Keep up the strong will you have mastered so artfully throughout this conversation, and don’t fall back into his arms because he promises you the world. Whatever he says needs to be realistic.
10. Ask yourself.
After you have had the conversation with your husband about all these things, it is important to turn to yourself.
Ask yourself how you feel after speaking with him and finding out all the details. It can take time to decide how to move forward, especially if you have outside factors such as children together. It is your right to take your time in coming to a decision.
You need to love and support yourself at this time to make sure you are making the best decision for you. In the end, whatever your choice might be, you will be doing precisely the right thing for you, and that is important.
I really hope that this article helped you if you are trying to work out what to say to your cheating husband. Although what you are going through right now is dreadful, once you have spoken to him and gauged how he feels about what he did, you will be more informed to make the correct decision for you.
Whatever decision you decide to come to, just remember that you deserve to be in a loving relationship full of trust and happiness.
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