Being cheated on is one of the worst experiences you can go through, especially when it’s a betrayal by someone you trusted, someone you would never dream of hurting yourself. Whether it was a kiss, a one night stand or a full-blown affair, the revelation can feel like a ton of bricks have been dropped on your heart.
Finding out the person you loved, that you devoted yourself too, has been sneaking around and lying to your face can be life-changing. It could affect your future relationships and your ability to trust the next man who comes into your life. If you had been in a relationship with him for a long time before the truth came out, it might even mean starting all over after your lives had become completely intertwined.
It’s important to approach the aftermath carefully, maturely and with an open mind. Never go in raging and ready for a fight, because neither of you will come out satisfied with the conclusion. Be vocal about how you feel and be realistic about your future with him.
“You Hurt Me”
Throughout all of history as we know it, women have stood aside and let their husbands, boyfriends, and partners have affairs without making a peep. Women were told that they should take the blame on themselves if their man had been having affairs it was only because he wasn’t being fulfilled at home. The women had to take it upon themselves to fix their broken relationship by changing their own behavior, putting less pressure on their man and being all-around much less demanding of them. However, this isn’t the case anymore. Women aren’t expected to be quiet in the face of hurt and you don’t need to take the blame for his mistakes. If you’ve ever been cheated on, know it was never your fault.
It’s so important to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend when you learn that he’s cheated. It’s easy to decide to live in denial in order to keep your relationship intact but this will never be the right option or the healthy choice. You can’t bottle up your feelings forever.
Being cheated on will leave you feeling insecure, unloved and disrespected. When you find out that the man you had devoted yourself to has been intimate and personal with someone else, it’s okay and completely reasonable to feel incredibly hurt. Sometimes that hurt doesn’t even come from the affair itself, it comes from the betrayal of trust and the lies that follow. Whatever it is that hurt you, it’s essential that you tell him. Do not let him get away without understanding that he crossed a line and broke your heart. Sometimes a person has to be told before they realize the damage they’ve done.
Tell him you need to talk to him about how you feel and that you just want him to listen and understand where you’re at now. You don’t want a discussion or an argument, you just want to be respected enough for him to come to terms with the fact that he’s hurt you. It’s healthy to let your feelings out. Remember, if you never say anything, nothing will ever change.
“What Really Happened?”
This one isn’t for everyone, but everyone should consider it. Some of us genuinely believe in a “blissfully unaware” kind of lifestyle and that’s okay, as long as you can live peacefully with that forever. The window for asking questions about an affair or cheating is pretty small, after a little while, you’re going to have to let it go and either declare the relationship over or move on from the drama and hurt and start a fresh new chapter together. Studies show that when the full details are revealed, the couple is more likely to stay together successfully.
Like the majority of people, it’s likely you’ll feel a need to know all the details, even the unpleasant and painful ones. Without all of the details, it’s normal to start filling in the gaps yourself and when we let our imaginations run free we tend to come up with ideas much worse than the reality. If you’re the type to overthink and get carried away, it’s probably best to tear off the band-aid quick and get all your facts straight.
It’s possible that he won’t want to share the sordid details, maybe through fear of hurting you further, or possibly due to his own shame and embarrassment. Whatever his reasons, try your best to show him how important it is to you to know the truth. Explain that the only way you can move on is if the truth is set free and there are no more secrets between you. If he doesn’t want to tell, remember that you hold the high ground. If you want the whole truth, do not settle for anything less, he owes you peace of mind.
This great video will give you some tips on how to motivate your boyfriend to talk about the harder details of his indiscretion.
The most important thing you need to know is if the cheating was emotional as well as physical. Did he sleep with a stranger one night, or was he falling in love with another woman? If he can’t promise that feelings weren’t involved, then your future together is looking bleak. Maybe his cheating only went as far as a kiss, you need to know how deep the intimacy got in order to have a realistic view of the cheating and judge where you might consider the line to have been crossed. For some, this starts at flirting, for others it’s not a problem until sex is involved. These parts are going to be difficult to hear, but they need to be out in the open.
Some other information about the circumstances that led to him cheating could also be valuable to you in order to create a full, correct picture of what went down. You might want to consider asking him where he met this person and when. You need to know how long this has gone on, and though it may be painful, you ought to find out if this is the first time he’s cheated, for better or worse. Some people would like to know where he and the other woman would spend time together to avoid the hurt of finding out down the line that he’s been taking you to the same places. Similarly, you might have questions about particular days, such as anniversaries or birthdays. These questions are all reasonable things to be wondering, but you should avoid asking questions like “Was she better than me?” – those will never go well.
Watch this informative video for a few more tips on how to ask questions, and which ones to avoid!
“Did This Happen Because Something Is Missing?”
When you learn your boyfriend has cheated, whether it was through his own admission or an accidental heart-breaking discovery, your mind naturally will start to race with thoughts of what you might have done wrong to cause him to seek intimacy or romance elsewhere. The first and most important thing to remind yourself of at this moment is that nothing you did or did not do caused him to cheat. A good, loyal man would communicate any problems he has, not seek solace in the arms of another woman as a means of escaping your troubles. It doesn’t matter how strained your relationship has gotten, a decent gentleman would choose to talk to you or let you go before moving onto someone else.
With that said, even if you know your own rights from wrongs, he may not. He may genuinely have chosen to stray because he was unhappy and although that is often an unforgivable action to take, you may choose to talk it out and resolve these issues so you can consider staying together.
Typically, cheating occurs because the cheater is getting something they feel has been missing in their relationship. In some cases, this might be excitement that they’re missing. Some people aren’t ready to commit to a real relationship and crave the freedom and lust that comes with being a single guy on the prowl, these types of cheaters tend to have one night stands and probably aren’t going to change easily. If your boyfriend has told you that he cheated because he was bored and distracted, or doesn’t feel that there’s any excitement in your relationship, you should ask him if he would rather be single and consider letting him go – it’ll be better for you both in the long run. In instances where your boyfriend has had a full-blown relationship alongside your own, it’s likely that he felt he was missing something emotionally and instead of communicating it to you, he made the weaker choice to find it elsewhere.
If you think you can resolve these issues between you, maybe through your own strong communication or even by seeking help from a couples therapist, then you should also consider the spark in your relationship and whether it’s still burning after learning of his betrayal. It some cases, it might be that his cheating came as a result of the spark having faded long ago. Look deep inside yourselves and ask if you can bring it back, and if you want to. If you are still devoted to each other and you’re willing to forgive his indiscretions then you should be able to work through these issues to rebuild your relationship. It will most likely take a lot of work and more time than you’d like but don’t rush it or force yourself to pretend it’s all okay and in the past if you’re still feeling hurt. You could even consider some time apart to rekindle the flame and show him what he would be missing if you weren’t so forgiving. It’s never a bad idea to remind him what it would be like without you, so he can value your presence more and understand what life would be like if he lost you for good.
Take a look at this beautifully emotional video where a heartbroken girl finally gets to ask her cheating ex why he did it.
“What Are You Going To Do To Regain My Trust?”
Make sure you don’t put the responsibility of repairing the relationship too much on yourself. You can work together to solve the problems you had before his cheating came to light, such as the loss of a spark, arguing or not being supportive enough of each other, but fixing the damage done by the cheating itself should be entirely on him. He has to prove himself worthy of your trust and respect again. It’s completely normal to find yourself feeling uneasy and insecure about your relationship and his feelings for you after he’s cheated on you. You’ll be wondering what he’s doing when he goes out in the evenings and when he’s spending time on his phone. You’ll possibly be insecure in your own appearance too, wondering if the other woman was more attractive and whether or not you’re attractive enough. Cheating is rarely, if ever, based on attraction. He won’t have strayed because he found someone better looking. His reasons will either be much deeper than that, or much shallower.
The first thing to remember when it comes to regaining trust is that it cannot be brought back by allowing you to check his phone, social media or even emails. It’s true that these things shouldn’t be secret from you, but you also shouldn’t need to be checking. In a healthy, happy relationship, you should both have your privacy, but not secrecy. You shouldn’t need to invade his private world in order to know you can trust him. Trust is built emotionally, and when you trust your boyfriend you’ll see that you don’t need to delve into his devices because you just believe that there is nothing there to see.
Your boyfriend also can’t rebuild trust by showering you with gifts and extravagant displays of affection – as nice as that might be. In fact, a cheating man is more likely to be trying to balance out his sense of guilt by spending money and over-compensating by being extra loving. The only real way he can build trust and return to a romantic place with you is through honesty, openness and time.
Sometimes, the damage has been done and the cut has been too deep to heal. Every woman deserves to feel safe, respected and adored in their relationship and cheating can destroy all the chances of feeling any of this in the future.
Don’t allow yourself to feel any guilt, even if he’s apologetic and wants to make it work. It can be impossible to get past a betrayal by someone you loved so deeply, and it can be difficult to let go of the images in your mind of him being intimate with someone else. Sometimes, no matter how much love there still is between you and how sorry he is, you just can’t get past cheating.
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It’ll be better for you both in the long run to say goodbye.
I hope this list could be of some help to you in such a difficult time and if you liked it, let us know!
When it comes to
cheating, everyone’s experience is personal and different. All sorts of factors
can affect how hurt you feel and how quickly you forgive, if ever at all. You
can’t let anyone else dictate how you should react, your relationship is your
own. It is so important to use communication and honesty to navigate your way
through this tricky time, if your choices are based on this, you’ll never
wonder if you made the wrong choice.
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