There are high chances that you got to this page because you have been going through hell in the hands of your supposed loving husband, and you want to know why your husband is mean to you and nice to everyone else. I want to state it here to you that you are most likely in an abusive relationship. Initially, things didn’t start this way in your relationship; your husband was everything you wanted in a man. He was going to be so caring and all over you. In fact, he couldn’t get enough of you. Both of you were fond of each other, until a few years later all of a sudden, he changed to the opposite of who he used to be. The world seems to have turned upside down. Everything appears to be moving so fast in your eyes; you don’t seem to have a grasp of what’s going on. Your heart is rendered and torn apart. Whenever you set your eyes on him, your heart raises so fast that you begin to wonder whether it was going to be the end of your life, because you don’t know what his next action is going to be.
In the opinion of Lundy Bancroft, a writer, there are a number of abusive husbands, from Mr. right, Rambo, to Mr. Sensitive and so forth. What appears to be common amongst these categories of abusers is: they often wrap themselves in one of the most persuasive covers a man can have to subtly abuse you and make you a victim of a gaslight. Without much ado, let’s delve into some of the reasons your husband is mean to you and nice to everyone else.
You are dealing with Mr. right:
Mr. right is such a complex being with the air of “I know it all.” Any ideas he discovers is from you, particularly the ones that don’t defer to his, he rules out without even a second thought. He doesn’t only stop at that; because of this, he regards you as an inept and disrespectful partner. The truth is: a relationship is not meant to be dominated by one partner alone; you both are supposed to respect each other’s idea and to not take suggestions or complaints of each other with the perfunctory and prejudicial mind. You are meant to be helpers to each other, not abusers.
Mr. Right’s mode of operation attacks the psychological state of mind of their victim. According to Bancroft,” Mr. Right's superiority is a convenient way for him to get what he wants. When he and his partner are arguing about their conflicting desires, he turns it into a clash between Right and Wrong or between Intelligence and Stupidity. He ridicules and discredits her perspective so that he can escape dealing with it.” Mr. Right would always blame his abusive acts on his wife on his anger. He cannot hold a conversion with his wife without creating an atmosphere of avoidable hot arguments from it.
How Mr. Right leads his victim when he wants to take charge of a discussion, by assuming the position of an authority with defining reality, talking from both side of his mouth so the wife would believe his points are the most superior.
Your husband might be the Mr. Sensitive:
In this category, the husband reveals a whole lot of his fears, insecurity all the time to you. He positions himself as the one that truly understands your view as a woman. You will begin to feel he’s the best, not knowing he’s another beast in human clothing. When he begins to launch his laser abusive psychological attack you will be more than convinced that he’s not the problem, and this will begin to make you start checking yourself to know what exactly is wrong with you. in the words of Bancroft
“If you start to feel chronically mistreated by him, you are likely to assume that something is wrong with you, and if you complain about him to other people, they may think you must be spoiled: You have the New Age man, what more do you want?”
The following are signs that you’re under the abuse of a Mr. Sensitive.
- Occasionally when controversies occur between you and him, you will start feeling you are the one hurting him, and strangely you will not be so sure of how exactly you have been achieving this. When you don’t focus your attention on his worries, he feels bad and might begin to start blaming you for his downfalls.
- On the other hand, when you are going through challenges, he would not want the time to heal your inner wounds. He would always address the issue as though you are sort of a machine that could shut down the terrible emotion running through your mind. when he appears to be comforting you he will often use come up with statements like This shouldn’t be the end of life; it’s one of those things. Get up and forget about it.
- At some points when he starts mistreating you, others won’t believe you when you cry out to them for help. However, you need to know that his actions are carefully thought out to make things go that way.
Your husband might be a Rambo abuser:
This kind of man is an abuser whose aggression is not limited to his wife. He extends it to the outsiders. Abusers in this category are usually a victim of neighborhood ridden with hostility and on that, they were at the receiving end of those violent acts, and he had been made to believe during that stage the only way to survive is through being tougher and lacking care for others. He’s allergic to whatever that isn’t going to reflect toughness such as fragility, indecision, and weakness. He’s most likely to have criminal records, drunk driving, and drug dealing- Bancroft.
Your husband might be a water torturer:
If your husband is a water torturer he might be exhibiting these behaviors: Abusers in this category frustrates their partner but pretend like they have not been mean in any way towards their partner on the ground that their actions don’t possess an iota of aggression in them. When their partner complaints about their uncaring and savagery disposition towards them they often come up with lines like “What the hell are you talking about “Have never done anything to you”. These abusers aren’t going to completely fall in the zone of a sadist, they can be unpredictable. Your loss of mind is what gives them joy, and it’s the tool with which they believe they can use to manipulate you at their whims and caprice. When you wrong these set of abusers, they won’t show it in the face; instead, they stomach it and wait for the time they feel it’s convenient for them to revenge. When their act of revenge starts playing out, that’s the stage you usually find it difficult to connect the dots as to their reasons behind their mean behaviors towards you. Outsiders don't have a glimpse at the abusers have a clever way of concealing what could lead on anyone to know their true color. And this is the reason that when you inform people about the wicked behaviors of these abusers nobody will believe you, and the effect of this is that it will keep you much longer in the isolation zone, which is the ultimate goal of the abuser.
Your husband might be in the category of abusers called the “victim”:
This abuser according to Bancroft tells series of tales of how he had suffered from abuse from his ex-partner in the past, tarnishing the image of his ex-partner becomes part of his mission, as he would effortlessly do this regularly. He often might be doing this for the following reasons:
- He wants the wife to join him in his campaign to reduce his ex-partner to nothing, through spreading of rumors of her and several harassment attacks.
- He’s looking to create some sort of self-pity. Their wife quickly gets emotional and emphasizes with the abuser and get set to plan on how to make a difference in his life by accepting to stay with him.
The fact is features described of “a Victim” abusive husband here are merely common ways in which these abusers carry out their plans; however, it doesn’t mean when your husband exhibits any or all of these characteristics automatically makes him an abuser. Of course, he might be speaking the truth about his ex-partner.
So, how do you know whether your husband is an abuser or not, despite showing all the signs required to tag him one?
- Pay attention to the intent of his claims of abuses he suffered in the hands of his ex-partner. If he paints the whole picture to make it all seem like he’s a saint, be careful, chances are that he’s an abuser (the Victim).
- And what happens when you ask him to explain the roles he played to the breaking down of the relationship? If he accepted he contributed to the problem, but added that he wouldn’t have done what he did if not for the fact that his ex-partner encouraged it; this is another sign that he’s most likely an abuser.
In the opinion of Bancroft, “be particularly careful with a man who claims to have been the victim of physical violence by a previous female partner. The great majority of men who make such claims are physical abusers.”
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A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr “Right” and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here…