Being ‘the other woman’ is never an easy job. Playing second best, always the bridesmaid never the bride, second fiddle to his wife and his children but is it possible for a man to fall in love with his mistress?
It is definitely possible for true love to blossom and even for extra marital affairs to bloom and develop with the ultimate outcome that he leaves his family and comes clean about his secret liaison. But how do you know that his undying proclamations of true love are really real? Are they not just pillow talk, fuelled by the excitement and ease of a relationship that is not cluttered up with the boring mundanities of life?
Take a read of our essential guide on 10 signs that you can tell your married man is in love with you. There are some surprises and thought-provoking pointers on this list. But do also take a reality check as the depressing fact is that most extra marital affairs do not end up with a happy ending, perhaps yours will be the exception to the rule?
- 1 1. You are a priority for him
- 2 2. Missing special or significant events to be with you
- 3 3. Luxury gifts
- 4 4. His love is unconditional
- 5 5. He buys you a property
- 6 6. Removal of the wedding ring
- 7 7. He opens up to you about his marriage
- 8 8. He becomes jealous if you see other men
- 9 9. He makes plans for the future with you
- 10 10. He leaves his wife for you
1. You are a priority for him
If he gets in touch on occasions when you know he is off-limits – family events, special birthdays or anniversaries – then you know he can’t get you off his mind. It could just be that absence makes the heart grow fonder, particularly if he is away on a holiday abroad, but receiving messages and texts when you know he is caught up in his other life, is a pretty potent indicator of his feelings.
Many married men fall out of love with their wives but would never rock the boat when it comes to the children. Children and spouse are separated in their minds with the children often attributed a higher premium, a greater standard of care. It is often the children which prevent a man from leaving the marital home, not the wife. If he contacts you on a day which is special to one of his children – birthday, graduation, wedding – then you really are flying up the ranks
Love can engender feelings of insecurity which good old-fashioned lust doesn’t tend to do. If he is in a far-flung location or occupied with his family for a few days then he may well feel insecure that he can’t see you when he wants to. This is a good sign.
2. Missing special or significant events to be with you
There is a kinda scale here. Missing a work function probably only counts as a 1 or 2 on the scale if that, equally missing granny’s 80th birthday party will only score a 3 or a 4. Missing a marital date like a wedding anniversary really starts to count and missing a child’s event is really a top-scoring indicator that he only has eyes for you.
Missing really crucial events whilst highly flattering runs a huge risk of detection and only the very skilled will get away with a plausible excuse. The more serious the event, the higher the degree of subterfuge needed. Flattering though this might be, if you have any say in the matter, perhaps best to encourage him not to take such enormous chances. If it all blows up and he gets found out then you are likely to be the loser in the following showdown.
Missing a seriously important event indicates a real loosening of the ties that bind the family to him. Men are genetically quite lazy so to be prepared to put in the effort to concoct a plot worthy of Miss Marple is a sure sign that he has serious designs on you.
3. Luxury gifts
Showering you with gifts is one thing but are they just blingy trinkets or are they gifts on a par with those he would give his wife – hopefully, even better?
The quality of a gift is always an indicator of desire. It doesn’t have to be fabulously expensive although clearly, that helps. It could be something inexpensive or downright cheap but it could have a high intrinsic value to you personally. A little item that you mentioned a while back that you wanted, if he buys it for you then it shows that he is attentive to your smallest desire.
Buying gifts that of a higher value than those he would purchase for his wife is not a slam dunk of his finer feelings for you, however. It is easy to splash the cash on expensive jewellery, flowers, chocolates and lingerie. His married relationship may have become mundane and it would seem out of character if he bought gifts like this for his wife after so many years together. Conversely, sometimes expensive gifts for his wife are to assuage his guilt and are nothing more than that. It can be hard to make a value judgement sometimes based solely on the price tag.
4. His love is unconditional
Sometimes, married men want their cake and eat it, love within the context of an affair can be conditional. “I love you as long as you won’t ask me to leave my wife”, or, “I love you as long as my wife doesn’t find out” or, “I love you but its not the right time to leave her”. These are all really a form of blackmail, it is love on his terms, a sure case of enjoying the best of both worlds.
Unconditional love, however, is a whole different ballgame. This really all boils down to the question of can one man love two women at the same time? Some people believe this is simply not possible; he still loves his wife and you are just a dalliance to satisfy lust and boredom. But, theoretically, if he has stopped loving his wife then his love for you could be genuine and true.
The key point is whether it has any conditions attached to it either overt or tacit. He is hardly likely to follow the phrase, ‘I love you’ with a caveat but you may just come to realise over time that there are unsaid conditions which surround this proclamation and that his love is wrapped up in constraints.
5. He buys you a property
There is no doubt that this a pretty big gesture in the scheme of grand gestures but hold the front page. Whose name is on the title deeds? Is it his? Does he just want a canny little investment for the future? He could move you out and move someone else in or he could keep it for one of his children for later on. If however, your name is on the deeds then that is quite a different matter. Or is it?
Having you just where he wants you might suit his purposes to a ‘T’. You are far less likely to shop elsewhere if you are living in his property and he avoids the constant paper trail of hotel receipts and payments showing up on his credit card statement.
So, you need to assess this latest development in the round. It might not quite be as attractive as if first appears. You may just feel that living in a property that he owns whilst flattering on the surface, is actually less incentive for him to leave his wife although he would probably claim to the contrary. Here is a love nest all ready and waiting for him when he does leave her.
6. Removal of the wedding ring
Some men don’t wear wedding rings but those that do will often choose to remove it before they see their mistress. It is symbolic almost as if the affair is more covert, hidden from their wives if the ring is absent. Essentially, he feels guilty and he doesn’t want that poignant reminder of her when he is with you. A sharp eye can always tell where a ring has been if he has been in the habit of taking it off from the outset.
Some men don’t bother to take their ring off so it is pretty symbolic if he then decides to remove it having worn it in your presence for some time. Rings are after all, all about the symbolism. Watch and see whether if he does leave the ring on his finger, he constantly moves it or plays around with it. This can be wholly subconscious but is nonetheless very revealing about his mental state and is a bit of a hallmark of doubt. He is possibly in two minds.
7. He opens up to you about his marriage
Sounds a little counter-intuitive but if he opens up to you about the state of his marriage then he is probably seeking to justify to himself what he is doing. He is also seeking your approval which means he seriously values what you think about him.
He doesn’t want to appear the scoundrel in this situation as he really wants you to think well of him and approve. Running down his marriage is one way to explain his actions and hopefully gain your respect. He doesn’t want to be portrayed as an out and out rogue. If you are just a casual fling to him then he really won’t care two hoots about your opinion of him. But if he is falling in love with you then your approval will matter to him and he will try and justify his behaviour by telling you how bad life is for him at home.
8. He becomes jealous if you see other men
He might be married but you are not and you are quite free to see whomever you please. It’s a little bit of a good way to test out the depth of his feelings. If he is used to having you on tap, waiting for him whenever he clicks his fingers, he might not be quite so happy if you are suddenly not so readily available or if another man is showing interest in you.
Is this pure good old-fashioned jealousy – the green-eyed monster – or does he really care about you and not want to share? It might just be that he doesn’t want you to upset the apple cart. A wife at home and a mistress tucked away somewhere else, talk about cake and eat it. On the other hand, he could genuinely feel that he is in love with you and be unhappy that someone else is showing an interest in you or worse, that you may have eyes for another. This could be a sign that the tide is turning in your favour.
9. He makes plans for the future with you
This might start with something as straightforward as a holiday but it could involve a more substantive suggestion that perhaps revolves around a shared interest or business connection. This is a sure indicator that he is in it for the long haul.
You might plan on buying a property together and perhaps refurbishing it or renovating it, definitely an indicator that you are more than just a fling. Usually, mistresses offer men a break away from all the daily chores of life that they share with their wives. If he is willing to expand your role beyond the bedroom and mere part-time lover, then this is definitely a sign that things are heading in the right direction.
He may also become more relaxed about being found out which can be a sign that his psychology is moving towards the great revelation when he tells his wife about you.
10. He leaves his wife for you
You might think that this is game, set and match but it really does depend on the circumstances. She could have found out about the affair and thrown him out – he may not necessarily confess to this right away. So it just might not be his choice so the circumstances surrounding his departure are very significant.
If he really loves you, he will want to protect you and moving out of the marital home and in with his mistress opens you up to potentially quite a lot of hassle and heartache. For a start, if you are now public knowledge, then you may encounter visits from his wife and also his children. If he really loves you, would he expose you to all that without careful discussion first?
An impromptu and unplanned arrival is probably not an indicator of love, more likely it is borne out of frustration or selfishness but either way, he won’t be thinking of you and putting you first. So, be careful what you wish for.
Every man is different, every marriage is different and every liaison is different and so applying a template of ‘loves me loves me not’ to every extra marital affair will not necessarily yield accurate results. But there is certainly some common ground it's fair to say.
A tripartite arrangement is a complicated thing and professing or admitting to love is not going to be quite the same thing as a straightforward relationship between two people which is open and above board. But it is important that you are able to accurately gauge professions of love within the context of your relationship and not get carried away. The fact of the matter is that very few affairs have happy endings and so you need to be realistic when you hear those three little words.
As ever, actions speak louder than words and a good review of your circumstances in the round should indicate to you whether he really does mean what he says. Have you been in an extra marital relationship or do you know someone who has? How did they know their married man was in love with them? Share the secrets of your affair on here and if you bagged top prize – he left his wife – then tell everyone how you did it.