When you are in a committed and lifetime relationship like marriage, you need to know that there will be ups and downs. While we all want the Disney world kind of marriage, know that fantasy is different from reality.
Both of you promised yourself heaven and earth but you just notice that things are beginning to change. The marriage is not as romantic as it used to be and your husband does not seem like the person you said a big YES! to.
Now, you begin to say he is attracted to another woman. The question is: Is this a feeling or a knowing?
A knowing or a feeling?
I will not say that it is not natural to be jealous in marriage. In fact, you have the legal right to keep your man. However, the moment you begin to nurse the feeling that your husband is attracted to another woman, there is the need for a confirmation.
Some marriages end in divorce because the woman gives the man the opportunity to lay hold of a previously unnoticed feelings. Never should you accuse your husband of nursing an extra-marital relationship without confirming.
At this point, you turn your feelings into a knowing. This knowing gives you a reason to work out a solution. This knowing is not-self developed but seen through certain signs.
Signs that your husband is attracted to another woman
He avoids you: No man changes absolutely. It is a gradual process. If he is attracted to another woman, he tries to avoid you as much as he can. He does not want you to see his call log, hence he clears it. If you are the type that normally checks his phone without constraint, he begins to get offended when you go through it and even avoids your call when he stays out later than usual.
He becomes a man with lots of secrets: It is normal for married couples to share every tiny secrets but if your husband hides from you to receive his messages or reply his text all of a sudden, then there is another woman in the picture. Such men find it difficult to uphold their words. In fact, at the slight provocation, they turn conversations into arguments.
He starts comparing you: He might have never compared you with anybody but the moment he does, he is already getting attracted to another woman. I can only compare a friend to another person because I have taken my time to study the other person. For him, the more he gets attracted, the more he notices things peculiar to her. He begins to see you as her and if he gets to regain his consciousness, he looses out to compare. While some may stylishly make their comparison, some may even be bold to say it. Expressions like ‘I had lunch with my accountant at a new restaurant, we should go there someday’ He seems not to hide the relationship but in the actual sense, he is trying to take your mind off it in case you begin to notice.
His looks become unusual: The husband you know never wore a brand asides Calvin Klein but now he wears Ocean pacific. He gets a new haircut and pays more attention on being impressive. Some may say, ‘well, you can decide to change the way you look at any time’. Of course, Yes! But understand that a person’s dress sense does not change overnight except the change is triggered by an important factor.
He gets easily offended: Now, this part is usually the obvious part of a change in attitude. He sees a reason to get offended at the way you talk, the way you look, your sitting position and other similar things. He gets so irritated that you begin to wonder if you changed overnight.
He reduces the time he spends with you: Be careful when your husband reduces the time he spends with you for no reason or a flimsy reason. The man who wants to be with you at all times now tells you he has a meeting, he needs to look through some files, or he needs to rest.
Relationships are different and the way married couples relate vary. However, one or more of these signs will surely be noticed.
As previously stated, there is a difference between feeling and knowing. You can be sure if he exhibits the signs above. However, there is a room to give the benefit of a doubt.
Why Should I Give The Benefit Of A Doubt?
Marriage is delicate and should be treated as such. You cherish your marriage so much that you do not want to end up being a single mom. Understand that you are a woman and you have the natural ability to make things better or worse.
One reason why you should give your husband the benefit of doubt is to avoid escalating matters or to prevent negative accusations.
During this period, request for some time alone to discus. Tell him how you have been feeling and ask if you had previously offended him. He would either give excuses or deny his change of attitude.
If he continues the act or gets worse, then you can be sure that he is truly attracted to another woman. If you aren’t smart enough, you may lose your husband.
Why Is He Attracted?
You might want to decipher why he is not satisfied with you. Well, you need to know that being attracted to other people is natural. It becomes unnatural if the attraction is leading towards intimacy.
There is no actual reason why married men get attracted to other women. What one man likes may be different from what the other likes. In spite, some things are common amongst many and that is Your Attitude.
While some men are just covetous, others try to escape continuous issues with their wives and they end up getting attracted to another woman especially if the woman is there for them at that particular time of need.
To you, you may be perfect and without blemish, but to him, the woman who was once there for him is no longer there. I am not saying that getting attracted to a woman outside your home is right and justifiable, I am only saying that your actions might have pushed him out.
What if he wants to talk to you and you act tired and probably forget to ask him when you are free, what if he is having issues with his work and he finds it difficult to share his pains with you because you are always concerned about yourself? What if you suddenly become unreliable?
These are questions you should ask yourself and see if you are with or without blame. An old friend once told me that he filed for a divorce because his family members did not approve his wife since she was discourteous.
I wanted to take sides but her attitude when I visited them gave me no reasons to take her sides. They are happily divorced.
Before you say all sort concerning him, endeavour to picture your previous attitudes to him. You can even tell a male friend about the things you do that can put a man off. If he is sincere enough, he will tell whether the act is good or not.
How attractive is your physical appearance? Are you still the girl he fell in love with? Do you still possess those charms or you have allowed in excuses of childbirth?
Understand that, men get easily attracted to what they see. They function more with physical appearance. Now look at yourself and grade your look before and after marriage. Deep down in your heart, you may opine that he should have told you but he probably does not want to sound bad or he just lost interest in correcting you about it.
How about your sexual life? You may disagree but men are sexually selfish. They want to have access to their wives whenever they feel the urge but when you resist every time, you are actually ousting them.
When they see another woman who gives them little time, they begin to visualize being intimate with her. Look out for the things you do that you stopped doing. Those things, which seem unnecessary to you may mean the world to your husband.
Try to remember if he has ever complained about anything or if he has ever asked to know why you stopped doing something you previously enjoyed doing.
When you sort this out then you are a step to ending your husband’s relationship with the other woman. However, if you think you have remained in the best shape, then you know you have more work to do.
Check Esther Perel’s comment on why he is attracted to another woman
What To Do?
The way a man handles a situation is quite different from the way a woman handles issues. Men tend to compartmentalize how they feel. They can easily separate their work from home and separate their normal relationship from a romantic one
Unlike women, women tend to juggle things together. A man will hardly make his emotional issues affect his work while a woman finds it natural to evoke emotions in what she does.
Just as he separates work from home, he can separate you from the other woman. So, one thing you must never do is to make things hard. If you bring it on in the hard way, he will bring it closer in the harder way. In fact, you give him the more reason to run away.
Check Brad Browning’s video on how your attitudes can cause more havoc.
In getting your man back, never make an angry woman. I cannot say you should not be angry but when you keep in your anger, you have more time to think through the matter. If you think you should react to show how hurt you are, you will be so wrong.
Also, never go ahead to fight the other woman. Even if you trace her to get an evidence, do not stoop so low to be physical with her. It’s either you do not bother trying to know her or pretend like she does not exist.
There is only one way to get back your husband and in that one way lies every other thing you should do.
In terms of reconnecting, I do not mean you should uproot the other woman unskilfully. Now, the other woman is none of your concern. Your focus is your husband and your marriage. If you can settle that, the services of the other woman will no longer be required.
Get your husband’s attention. Yes, your relationship has strained to the extent that he has no time for you. This is yours to work out. You can set the table for a special dinner.
When you get his attention, never hesitate to say your mind. Do not sound attacking or desperate. Let an iota of plea reflect. Let him see how much you value the relationship, remind him of how much you have built together and feed on what you both can achieve without hindrance.
Communicate with him without fighting.
At this point, he will regain his conscience and let out his guilt. If your attitude pushed him out, he wouldn’t hesitate to speak at this stage. You can ask him to tell you about the other woman as well as the extent of their relationship.
Get to know the reasons behind his actions and intentions as that will help you into becoming a better woman.
Now, the fact that you have been able to crack your husband does not mean that you have gotten him. Look through what he had pointed out and begin to work towards it. If he had complained about your dress sense, have a change of wardrobe
If he complained about the way you cater more for your work than your home, try to work towards getting home as soon as you can to be available for him. Ensure that you take to corrections. Let him see the changes. It reconnects you to him.
What about the other woman?
Whether your husband tells you that he had a sexual relationship with the woman he is attracted to or he hasn’t, it does not change the fact that there is another woman in the picture.
Getting your husband to cease communications with this woman will require patience and trick. He may tell you that he would no longer have an affair with her but continuous communication with her may expatiate things.
Talk to him about it and let him see reasons why he should.
One reason why most women end up being regretful of everything is their approach towards the matter. Now, you need to know that people have the sole right to make their own decisions. You don’t want lose your husband, Yes! But you must give him a chance to decide.
This step must be done if he seems not to change totally or if he is still keeping in contact with her and that is Ultimatum step.
As earlier said, do not get mad at your husband. That attitude gives your words the right effect.
Check out the perfect timing to provide him with an ultimatum. The perfect time is when it seems like you have gotten him back.
Afterwards, deliver the ultimatum. This should not be done by calling and yelling on phone. When you do that, you end up not saying what you intended to say and your husband ends up not listening to you. The best way to deliver this ultimatum is through a written expression.
This written expression should contain;
- How you felt when he confirmed that he was truly attracted to the other woman. Express your feeling in the first person- ‘I was in pains’ and not ‘You made me feel pains.’
- Let him know how much you love him and how much you are willing to heal up and live like never happened.
- If your wedding vows mean so much to you, you should reiterate every single word.
- Write a list of what you cannot live with, in the marriage. One is a continuous contact with the other woman. Try not to sound authoritative and imposing. Let him see the need to make that decision
- State how you can continue to live being married to him. Something like ‘I want to live the rest of my life with you but I cannot do so if there is the other woman in the picture’
- Tell him to make his decision and act on what seems best for him.
You know you have done your part by trying to make things better between the both of you. It is up to him to make that decision. You should lay your hands on ‘Not Just friends’ by Shirley Glass. The book will help you in making good decisions and how you should live after the decision.
Marriage is not a relationship with the ‘on and off pattern’. It is either on or off. Before you take these steps, ensure you confirm your feelings by knowing. Much more, understand that it is natural to be attracted to another woman but the moment it begins to affect your marriage, you need to intervene.
Don’t force anything but make efforts towards restoration. Do not hesitate to drop your questions in the comment session.
Love is a tough one but you can make it easy when you Rise to Fight For what you Believe in.
A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr “Right” and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here…