How would you react if you discovered your husband was in panties in his suits just beside you in a dinner? Or you stumbled upon pictures of your man fully dressed as a female model you would have admired if you did not notice distinct features of your lover?
Different women have varying reactions to the discovery their husband crossdresses, and this is mostly linked to the method of discovery. From suspicions after a lady notices her best lingerie and underwear missing, to seemingly queer acts then coming home to see their husbands fully dressed in female attire. Some women find this a fascinating, intriguing affair, but most wobble up and double over like one caught in the midst of the tremors of a huge earthquake. What causes this reaction to most people? A viable answer is that, whether the wife finds out herself, or her lover comes out to tell her (some women prefer to see it as a confession), it has been well hidden in the confines of secrecy. In most cases, the husband has really tried to banish that aspect of their personality into the confines of inexistence. Male crossdressers are worried about other people's perception of them, and as stated in an article detailing Sebastien Lifschitz and The Photographers' Gallery titled “Under Cover: A Secret History of Cross-Dressers” 1 some crossdressers get to express their felinity through dressing as female characters in movies, most men are unlucky and do not have the opportunity to dress as a Dolly Paton. They expend effort repressing it.
This article briefly explains cross-dressing, addresses a man’s desire to cross-dress, other opinions on crossdressers and having to enjoy a relationship with a cross-dressing partner.
The most important thing to bear in mind for now is, your relationship will survive, and his cross-dressing will not make your relationship drastically unenjoyable if you both are willing to go around it. Hopefully, this article helps with tips on working things out with a cross-dressing partner, especially y if it is for you, it is a nightmare turn reality upon awakening.
Crossdressing; What It Means?
Cross-dressing is wearing clothing articles of the opposite sex. Males and females often wear clothing items of the opposite self for various reasons, though prominent among them is the exploration of the sensuality behind the act and the expression of feminine or masculine tendencies inherent in the cross-dresser. The desire to cross dress cuts across numerous reasons, which according to Vern L. Bullough and Bonnie Bullough in their widely acclaimed book Cross Dressing, Sex and Gender. They could be biological, psychological or the results sociological inputs. The Journal of Sex Education and Therapy review of the book, as featured on University of Pennsylvania Press website 2 states thus,
Crossdressing therefore slightly varies from one region to another. Skirts and some other clothes viewed as strictly female in some areas are masculine in others and are for both genders in other climes.
A crossdresser could be partial or complete, from basking in the pleasure of hidden garter belts to fully transforming to the opposite sex, wearing makeup and wigs alongside full female adornments. In some cases, female mannerisms and female names are adopted.
Crossdressing! What It Is Not!
There are many misconceptions surrounding the idea of cross-dressing, especially for males. A crossdresser is not a gay, a transgender or a transsexual. Matty Silver listed some of the misconceptions surrounding cross-dressing in her post (3) titled ‘What to Do If Your Husband Is a Cross-Dresser', cross-dressing does not mean any of the following.
- That Your Husband Does Not Love You; The fact he loves crossdressing Does not mean he loves you any less. Cross-dressing men are as loving, caring and romantic as men who do not cross-dress. Crossdressers are known to be more caring, affectionate and connected to their partner as they excuse the more nocturnal sides present in their felinity.
- He Is Gay: Crossdressers are not necessarily gay. In fact, Homosexual tendencies occur at the same rate between crossdressers and non-cross dressers. The fact he is in a marriage or relationship with you strengthens the assertion he is not gay. Furthermore, cross-dressing is not purely a sexual activity, it sometimes is a reflection of your partner’s feminine side. Some men get better aroused when clad in female clothing, many find it as a way if identifying an aspect of them laying deep down in them, and some others as a pastime. In this article titled ‘ Helping Wives of Crossdressers to Understand and Cope” (Helping Wives of Crossdressers to Understand and Cope), it is revealed that amongst the numerous male crossdressers in the United States, most of them crossdress to explore the full range of their personalities. Many crossdressers discover their preference for silky, soft female clothing even before their teen years, they, however, are attracted to the opposite sex, though work to feel like them.
- They Want to be Female: No. They only desire to explore the feminine aspect of them. Crossdressers are mostly unwilling to undergo surgery to look more feminine. Transitioning from one gender to another is pivotal to the pleasure acquired.
- It is Easy; Cross dressing could appear to be so much fun to a cross-dresser. Wan has found it hard to understand why a man would do such acts that really displease them for only the fun of it. In truth, cross-dressing goes beyond the fun, for some men, it’s a way of relieving stresses and maintaining physical and psychological balance. Some men could become really grumpy and unhappy if they do not find a way to experience such relief once in a while. Men, therefore, try as much as possible to hide the truth away from others and even themselves.
- They do It for Sexual Pleasure: While many men have reported being crossdressers for the range of sexual pleasures it gives them, some get aroused from the grinding of their shaft again soft cotton panties. Some state it keeps them in a constant state of arousal while it aids some others to have better sexual activities. Many men are excited to have sex with their lovers after having done so in cross-dresses. And possibly garnished it with a lot of role play. Many crossdressers
- Crossdressers Might Be Irresponsible: Simple, their partner generated had to sacrifice a lot of times. Cross Dressers come across as highly successful men, impressive wealth and possibly a beautiful woman like you. In Chapter 3 of ‘The Book of Life ‘, titled ‘Relationships; Sex' on the School of Life's website(4)the wrong opinion of many is truthfully stated that ‘The concept of a man taking pleasure in putting on a pair of stockings seems laughable, pitiful – and plain sinister …Cross-dressing seems like an admission of failure. Instead of living up to an ideal of strength, ruggedness and sheer ‘normality’, a man keen to slip on a dress is taken to be a deviant of a particularly alarming sort.' That view is wrong, as even being female is none of the many beliefs people hold, and cross-dressing is simply basking the pleasure of gender fluidity.
- Cross Dressing is A Problem: Many people hold the wrong opinion cross-dressing is a disease or a psychological issue that needs medical attention or mental rehabilitation. Cross-dressing is none of these. It is not a condition that really needs such help.
Why Did He Hide It?
Your partner might have come out plain and told you about his kink right before you entered the relationship. You could also be giving a marriage to a crossdresser you admire a thought and contemplating spending the rest of your life with someone who you think shouldn't be the way he acts or he you just outright discovered. There are some reasons he might have hid awash, prominent among which are
He Was Scare to Lose You:
Women are known to be attracted to the major trait that distinguishes them from men, masculinity. Business Insider (5) and many other sources feed us with the truth if how women find masculinity alluring. Cross Dressers are scared to appear less attractive by a display or their feminine side. Even in very open and accommodating societies, conservatives might still put crossdressers in a discomfiture with their opinion about it. Many men, therefore, hideaway out of the fear that a discovery by their partner would put an end to their relationship. Especially when he had experienced rejections from the previous partner.
It means one thing. He loved you. Didn't want to lose you. He still loves you, but for him not to lose himself, he had to tell you.
He Tried to Put It Aside.
Many men hope their wives would never know and hope to one-day sling across their wife on the sofa, put their arms around them and tell them of how they overcame that fantasy in the past. However, for most men, if not all, it turns out that night they hope to achieve plays out in exactly the opposite way, their hands twisting and knotting in their hair with a woman crying in the discovery of a fear that had never crossed their mind.
Truth is, he could have hoped to work around it, but ended up failing because he found it hard to do away with something so part of him.
He Was Scared of Others Opinion:
Your friends, relatives, neighbors, her parents, your children. The fear of their reaction to this aspect of him and possible denouncement could have made it hide it away from you. He must have hoped to grow out of it as you get more intimate, or he satisfied the cravings in clandestine before coming out plain, or you walked in on him scruffy.
He Wanted You to Discover:
And you did, he might have found it hard telling you straight in the face he cross-dressed, especially when he doesn't know your opinion on it. He could have left trails leading to your discovery.
He Never Wanted You to Know:
But then you stumbled into it. The most important fact is you have known, you have reacted, but then you need to make decisions. Upon Knowing; Reaction and Response.
When you knew, you must have had a reaction. Remaining silent, smiling, laughing, jumping, making backflips, crying, screaming or running out with your head clasped tightly in your hands. Beyond the reaction, which is the impulsive feedback you give upon taking in the information.
You can, however, balance things up with your response, he would have understood your reaction to the news. There are however three responses you can give. Julie Freeman in ‘ A Significant Other View(6) described different levels of acceptance, writing, ‘I find a wide variety of acceptable levels. Some wives are totally non-accepting. They are hostile, angry, upset, and just about ready to walk out the door! At the other end are those wives who are totally accepting. They love their husbands dearly and whatever the husband does is fine with them…And then between those extremes are the vast majority who are not hostile, but are not totally supportive either. These wives are willing to listen to both sides and seem to appreciate the advice given the most’.
If you decide to respond by being in any of the two categories, it would be a pleasant surprise for your husband. Though not everyone would fall in the second category, as only women who have natural tendencies for crossdressers would fall into that category, if you fall in there, that's a whole windfall of luck for you.
Women in the third category would, however, need to take practical steps for a peaceful coexistence.
Coping With A Cross Dressing Husband.
You would both have to adapt to this new discovery by taking steps to help you enjoy your marriage, rather than walk away. You could take the following steps
Try to Understand, Trust and Respect Each Other;
Trust and understanding come a long way in your relationship as it takes a new turn on the axis of discovery. As stated in ‘Helping Wives of Crossdressers to Understand and Cope” by Phi Epsilon Mu chapter of Tri Ess (7), the couple needs to have open, honest communications to help the relationship become stronger.
It helps to see a counselor.
You can check upon any near to you on the internet.
Set Limits and Conditions;
You and partner might need to set certain conditions for his expression. He, for example, might be unable to cross-dress in the presence of tour children or anyone, not you. You might have to pick up the clothing items he wears, or he can cross-dress for only particular periods, like all through the night.
Think and find new ways to spice up your marriage.
It helps to join support groups for wives of Crossdressers,
you can join those that align with your ideas on the internet. You should intently consider privacy issues. Support groups help your pour and address certain concerns and get help. Women with similar concerns and experiences will be at hand to offer practical advice.
Hopefully, this article is enriching enough to make you understand why your husband crossdresses and how you can have a fulfilling marriage with this discovery. It is understood that you would have been shaken by the knowledge, might have entertained the thought of walking away, but many women have been brave enough to go through it with willing crossdressers.
You can do it too.
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A hopeless romantic that struggled for many years to find her Mr “Right” and made all the mistakes you could think of while dating. Known for always choosing the wrong guys or messing up relationships, Sonya was finally able to change her approach and mindset when it came to dating which helped her eventually find the man of her dreams and become happily married. You can read more about me here…