Married life comes with one big change in your sleeping habits – cosleeping with your husband.
Perhaps you’ve even been married for a number of years now, and you’ve always shared a bed since you’ve put a ring on that finger.
But as time passed by, it seems he developed a preference for sleeping alone.
You might be wondering what changed.
Why isn’t he there anymore to cuddle you through the night?
What does it mean for your relationship?
How can you keep the flame lit if he’s not even there?
Why did his habits change all of a sudden?
Maybe he doesn’t have a restful sleep when he’s in the same bed as you –it’s not that uncommon after all.
Or maybe he’s cheating on you and needs some time alone to send her texts or speak on the phone.
Now that’s a bummer.
Before investigating why his side of the bed stays empty each night, you should first rule out that he’s not cheating.
I recommend doing this with the help of a background checker like this (click on the link to go to their site).
This tool can tell you who are his newest social media friends and whether he has active profiles on online dating sites.
Many wives have discovered their husbands were cheating on them with the help of this tool.
That’s hopefully not your case, but it’s important to check.
Simply enter his name and location into the background checker to rule it out.
Now, assuming he isn’t cheating, know that there is a variety of reasons he might refuse to share the bed with you. Let’s have a look at them and learn what you should do about it.
- 0.1 Do most couples sleep apart?
- 0.2 Why is this so?
- 0.3 Sleeping Habits:
- 0.4 Late night activities:
- 0.5 Kids:
- 0.6 Difference in Preferences:
- 0.7 What effect will it have on our marriage?
- 0.8 Do I still need to talk to him?
- 0.9 5 General Things To Do When Your Husband Finds It Difficult To Sleep Soundly With You
- 0.10 SERVE DINNER EARLY:
- 0.11 GET A BIGGER BED:
- 0.12 USE SEPARATE BLANKETS:
- 0.13 MAKE USE OF HOME REMEDIES:
- 0.14 RESPECT HIS OPTION:
- 0.15 What about our sexual life?
- 1 Conclusion
Do most couples sleep apart?
There are things peculiar to marriage. These things are sacred to married folks alone and not to the unmarried ones. No matter how liberal a society is, there are some things that sounds or seems odd when done by unmarried people.
In marriage, everyone expects a man and his wife to sleep together on the same bed. Even if there is no wedding ring on his finger, the fact that a man is on the same bed with a woman practically means they are married. It’s like being joined on that bed.
One reason why it seems problematic when a man is not sleeping with his wife on the same bed is because the society was not built like that. However, this trend is beginning to change.
According to a random selection telephone survey that was conducted in 2001 by the National Sleep Foundation, 12% of married couples in America sleeps separately. When the same survey was conducted in 2005, it was noted that there had been a geometrical increase of 23%.
In essence, it is already becoming a norm for people to sleep in separate places even when they are married with or without kids. The National Association of Home Builders has also confirmed this by stating that the change in lifestyle of married couples has changed the design of most homes.
Usually, homes are built with a single master bedroom. However, the number of two-masters bedroom has been on the increase. They have stated that in the next few years, 60% of homes will have two-masters bedroom.
Why is this so?
The script in which the society is run has indicated that sleeping together on the same bed with your man will surely help in improving your relationship, help you stay close together and help you remain committed irrespective of the situation.
While marriage requires two people willing to adjust to operate on a common ground, you should not forget that there are individual differences. One thing we fail to acknowledge is that we cannot change who we are but we can only modify what we can do.
If you are experiencing this situation, you do not need to panic. Most women at this stage may feel their husband do not want them around or he is avoiding or probably cheating. Well, the reason he prefers to sleep separately may be far from cheating or avoidance.
What you have to do is to come to know and understand your husband. Men who sleep separately have different reasons. While you cannot use another man to judge your husband, you also cannot use your husband to judge the way another man behaves.
There are different factors that can contribute to making the decision of staying alone. Some of them include;
It might be difficult to figure out your partner’s sleeping habit until you get married and you start living alone. While sleeping habits are difficult to adjust, it is what everyone may have to live with in the long run.
For instance, you may be a heavy sleeper while your husband is a light sleeper. While sleeping you may snore and cause him to sleep inconveniently. Now, he may have told you and you may see it as normal since you had a stressful day.
While he may reason with your excuse, he may not be able to cope with it. Later on, he allows you to have the bedroom to yourself. Now, when he does this, there is no negative vibes. Just a man who wants his wife to be convenient, not at his own expense.
At times, he could be the heavy sleeper and probably because of your ceaseless complaints of how he snores and takes over the bed while sleeping, he decides to sleep separately to enjoy his night time. People have different sleeping habits. Some even sleep talk.
It could also be the light issue. Perhaps your husband prefers the light off while you prefer the light on. It could also be that he finds it difficult to cope with how you spin on the bed while asleep.
Your sleeping habits or his sleeping habits may be a reason he prefers to sleep on that couch or in the other room because he knows that once anything or anyone awakens him, he may no longer sleep.
Late night activities:
Despite having a hard day, some men will rather stay up to watch their favourite sportsman on that field than sleep. At last, they end up sleeping while watching the TV. In a situation where he is addicted to watching a program that shows in the wee hours of the night, he may end up getting used to sleeping on the couch.
If your husband’s job requires working from home at night, he may have to excuse the bedroom to make you convenient or to make him convenient.
According to Dr William Sears, leader of the attachment parenting movement, two-third of American parents prefer to sleep with their children. Your husband may think sleeping with the children is the best way to keep them safe and unharmed.
Different people have their reasons for what they do. Hence, begin to take not of your husband and notice why he prefers to sleep outside rather than sleep with you.
Difference in Preferences:
Better Sleep Council has stated that your mattress type determines how much you will enjoy your night out. Difference in the type of mattress a man prefers may be different from the wife’s preference.
Let’s say he likes it firm while you like it soft. If you decide to abide by his preference, you may end up in pains. If he decides to go your way he may wake up feeling like he never slept.
What effect will it have on our marriage?
Well, the effect of married couples sleeping separately is similar to the two-sides of a coin. It may be negative or positive for the both of you based on how you handle it.
A study conducted by Ergoflex.co.uk stated that about 2,010 men were polled to give their opinions about sleeping separately with their spouses. After the evaluation, some opined that it negatively affected them while other stated that it positively affected them.
Amongst those who responded negatively, 42% were more concerned about its effect on their sexual lives while 51% stated that the act made them feel distant from their partners. Donna Dawson, a renowned psychologist also stated that sleeping apart will surely have a psychological and emotional effect on the couple.
In terms of the negativity involved, you may have lost the time to be intimate with your husband. If both of you have to go to work all day and the only time you have to spend together is jeopardized because your husband feels convenient in another room because of one to two reasons.
If you are already experiencing this, you may have noticed that you no longer have access to your husband as conveniently as you want. You may also lose all the late night gists and stories that keeps you together.
You may no longer have all the time to tell your husband about the little things that happened while he was away because you have less of him to yourself. This feeling may cause a distance between the both of you even when you live in the same house.
On the other hand, some married couple see it as no problem as it is the best solution to sleep related issues. It is not an indication of marital unrest but it is the best way to keep yourself after a long day at work.
One reason you may feel it is a problem is because there is no one to talk to, no one to cuddle you at night and probably no one to wake up to. Even if these things are no longer there, there are ways to spice up your relationship without affecting his preference or your preference.
If his excuse is TV, you can get a small TV and fix in you room if it won’t affect you. By that, you can have your husband to yourself and also get him to watch his favourite TV program.
Do I still need to talk to him?
Remember that different things may have led to the decision of sleeping separately. Hence, it is best to communicate with your husband. Communicating with him does not mean you will get him back to sleep with you on same bed but it is enough to ask why he decided to stay away
Everyone has their own reasons, but you will be doing your marriage no good if you do not ask him to know why he prefers his own bed. While observing is important, your observation can only become valid if he confirms his reasons.
Let him know how odd you feel about sleeping separate rooms or sharing separate beds. He might not even know that you are worried about the change. Talking to him will help you in making better decisions. It will also help prepare your mind with what you have to live with. Check this YouTube video on how yelling and fuming instead of communicating can affect your marital needs
At times, he may just feel troubled sleeping in the room with you. Amongst others, if your husband has issues sleeping, begin you should begin to look out for ways to help him.
5 General Things To Do When Your Husband Finds It Difficult To Sleep Soundly With You
SERVE DINNER EARLY:
No matter how fixed your work is, avoid serving dinner at night. If your sleeping schedule is different, he may find it inconvenient to sleep when you want to. Perhaps, he ate late and has to sit for a while before lying down. If you are used to serving dinner late, you should work your schedule to fit an early dinner schedule
GET A BIGGER BED:
No one wants to feel bundled when sleeping on the bed. It is better to sleep on the couch than inconvenient yourself while trying to fit in the bed. If you can afford it, get a bigger bed. By getting a bigger bed, you would be able to help your husband sleep conveniently even when you spin.
USE SEPARATE BLANKETS:
Due to regular change of positions, you may end up using the blanket alone, leaving your husband cold all through the night. It is best to use separate blankets to avoid cheating the other person.
MAKE USE OF HOME REMEDIES:
There are home remedies to cure inconveniences while sleeping. If his complaints is related to this, you can make use of specific home remedies to help him sleep. Introduce magnesium supplement to his meals and soothe his body with essential oils to relax his bones and muscles.
RESPECT HIS OPTION:
You want your husband to be in the best mood. You do not want him to sleep on the same bed with you and yet feel as lonely as ever. It is best to respect his opinion. Help him sleep better providing alternatives to the problems he pointed out.
What about our sexual life?
Well, this is what can be done anytime. You can even stay up together and gist together till late at night. When you are feeling sleepy, you can move your room. As long as you communicate regularly, you can always work things out with your spouse.
Jenifer Adams, the author of ‘Sleeping Apart not Falling Apart’ stated in her book ‘sex in your marriage doesn’t have to be during the bedtime. Arrangements can be made’. So, if you feel you want to be with him, you can move to his room and leave afterwards
Even so, have you ever wondered if his separation is a means to avoid touching you? What if he wants to give you that privacy in order to avoid another pregnancy?
With a flourishing economy, Americans believe that it is best to limit the number of kids to make things easy for the family. Maybe your husband cannot resist you and he does not trust himself when with you in your bedroom. So, he probably feels it is best to stay outside.
If this is his problem, you can talk to him about it and proffer solutions by introducing birth control methods that will be convenient for both of you. If there is the need to see a doctor, you both should.
There is no singular solution to making your husband sleep in bed with you. Your solution to making him sleep in bed with you will only emanate from the given problem. In fact, it is best advised that you allow him get as much comfort as he requires.
Trying to force him may even cause a strain in your relationship and you will only elongate a decision you should have made sooner. Much more, try to understand your husband, see a reason why it is necessary for him to sleep out and respect his convenience.
You can even negotiate a sleeping arrangement with him. However, this negotiation should be out of consideration for your or his health rather than one born out of spite. Communicate with your husband, make it free for him to communicate his wants.
Instead of seeing it as a threat, it will help you see it as both of you communicating your needs and joining hands to get an impartial solution.
At the end, it ends up being about what you both want as separate sleeping must stem from a valid ground and an unjudged choice made by the couple’
Check out this YouTube video to prevent you from having a distressed marriage
Most people feel threatened when their husband no longer sleeps in the master room with them. Well, with different research, I have realized that the decision to stay is not because he has an ulterior motive but because of various reasons which could involve the need to enjoy the night without a slight discomfort.
Rather than worry, tighten communications with your husband.
You can drop your questions and opinions in the comment session. If this article helped you, share it with others.
In all, always see the better part of every situation.