Husband Constantly Accuses Me of Cheating and Lying: What Should I Do?
You are probably struggling with accusations right? It probably did not start now and it has been going on for a while. Perhaps it has made you feel helpless and you are beginning to see no reason to defend yourself. In fact defend yourself against what?
This is probably one of the most surfacing problems in marriage and while some marriages survived the heat with one person being the victim, others have crumbled and shattered with no room for an appeal. Hence, I reasoned that it would be best to talk about it to save couples having the same issues.
How constant is his accusations?
No one likes to be wrongly accused. While you can still deal with accusations emanating from other people, being wrongly accused by your husband can have a psychological and mental effects on you. While every relationship has its own issue, accusations of cheating and lying can affect every other thing you do together.
Probably before marriage or even years after your marriage, you have been living fine but your husband suddenly changes and starts reacting on everything you do with the end result being that you are cheating and lying. That can be really devastating and can affect your relationship with others if you are not careful
Usually, statements like ‘Are you cheating on me?’ comes when you are less prepared for it. It could be when you are trying to look really good, it could be when you come home late from work or even during your intimate period with your husband.
When this happen, never argue. Argument does not mean you should not talk. Argument is when you try to defend yourself against the allegation. The question is; Is there an allegation to defend? When your husband constantly accuses you, let him know that you are not cheating neither are you lying.
Better than anyone, you know that you are not cheating but arguing, yelling and trying all means to prove that your innocence may agitate the situation. You may even go out of words and escalate matter.
Now, know that there is a thing called ‘the psychology of guilt’. This psychology is not only applicable to guilty people but also applicable to innocent ones. So, even if you are not a cheat, you may still feel guilty. This guilt is not based on what you didn’t do but the guilt of not being able to prove your innocence to your husband.
In a situation where you have previously thought of cheating, you may also feel the guilt of having harboured such thought or even the guilt that you are about leaving your husband for what you never did.
While it is not impossible for this guilty conscience to surface, you can only free yourself from it by acknowledging your innocence and recognizing that you are never at fault. The moment you allow the guilt of what you did not do overwhelm you, you may not survive the allegations.
After sorting out yourself and your feelings, you will have to figure out why your husband is accusing you of being a cheat. He may have brought up the supposed affair just for his own benefits or he is just delusional about the matter.
Generally, there are specific reasons applicable to most men that falsely accuse their wives
5 Reasons your husband is accusing you of cheating
Some men feel insecure over unnecessary things and your husband may be in this category. When you buy a new dress for a party, he feels you are trying to appeal another man.
If previously you do not apply makeup and you begin to apply, he feels you are doing it for your man friend. While this is very wrong, it may be that he had suffered from cheating in the past and the features you emit are similar to the ones shown by his ex.
While insecurity level of individuals are relative, an insecure man may become abusive overtime and less likely to fulfil the terms of marriage. Check Kera’s video on insecurity
Lack of trust:
The foundation of every relationship is trust. Immediately the trust factor is breached, it will be difficult to hold on to the relationship. Trust issues may stem up from what had previously happened in the past or the basis on which the relationship started.
It may also be based on what you did when you were just dating and probably he forgave you but did not forget.
People with irregular mental conditions tend to form a supposed truth out of nothing that exists. According to Dr George Simon, humans have the tendency to draw a false belief from wrong inferences drawn from external events.
These category of people can be considered as delusional. When this happens, your husband may hold on to the belief that you are actually cheating and even try to gather evidences to support their claims.
Being delusional may be as a result of a mental condition or depression. So, for example if your husband is one that feels easily depressed and he suddenly suffers a setback in his career while yours boom faster than ever, his depressed state of mind may make him delusional.
High level of sensitivity:
Being sensitive is a great asset if used well. In fact, being sensitive can save you from danger. Despite its usefulness, an overly sensitive husband may make life difficult for you. Most times, his sensitive state will stem from false instinct.
Your husband may accuse you of cheating when he over analyses your smile, your conversation and gestures towards other men and probably invents a story to corroborate his statements.
Indirect divorce proposal:
People find reasons to opt out of every relationship. To them they just want to leave, hence they try all means to do so. Such man will look for what is usually unacceptable in the society and try to weave his reasons around it.
Infidelity is widely unacceptable. So, he may convince himself that you are cheating. Hence, when he opts out, no one will stop him neither will he look like the ‘bad guy’.
What if it is the other way round?
Psychologists have stated that most husbands who accuse their wives of cheating tend to be the one in the cheating net. In fact, those who have not started cheating on their wives but are planning to cheat usually try to justify their plans by making up reasons to show that you are cheating.
The effect of this act as stated earlier is the feeling of guilt which eventually hides the fact that your husband is the actual cheat. Kim Leatherdale corroborates by stating ‘By accusing you, they blind you to the truth of their behaviours’
Instead of taking responsibility for their guilt conscience, they transfer it to you. Now, I am not saying that your husband is cheating but there is a high possibility that he is actually cheating on you. It is time to talk to your husband.
Coach Kelly, in her video also opines that his action is born out of what he does
I will always emphasize on talking to your husband while you both are going through a difficult period because lack of communication can escalate things and make situations irreparable. Talking to him will help you decipher the actual problem and the steps to take into solving it.
While communication is important, do not forget that you are uncertain on whether he is cheating or not. Hence, it will be unwise to blatantly accuse him even though he accuses you on a false ground.
At this point, you must have sorted how you feel about the situation. So, ensure you are calm and cool before placing the matter towards him.
Get your time off your schedule and create time to talk to your husband. Talk to him and let him know how you feel about his accusation. If he talks to you about how he feels, ensure you take not of it without blaming him for being wrong.
Now, if he believes you, you can just move on with your mind on how not to hurt his feelings. However, if you talk to him and he still insists on the fact that you are not faithful to the marriage, then you need to work things out if you do not want to lose your marriage
3 things to do when your husband accuses you of cheating
Sort your opinion towards your husband:
The fact that he is the actual one cheating may be uncertain but you have to sort your opinion towards him. Understand that if you show the same attitude he is showing towards the marriage, you will not achieve an inseparable home.
Ask yourself to know whether he is cheating or not. It is not bad if you give your husband the benefit of doubt. But try to see if he is cheating. Beyond that issue you are about to settle, try to note if he is cheating or not.
Here are 6 signs of a cheating husband
He becomes hostile:
When your husband becomes unnecessary hostile, without a viable reason, you should be wary of third party. If he begins to say unhealthy words to him when you ask him questions that are quite personal but not personal in marriage, then your husband his probably cheating.
This form of hostility becomes easily known after some time in the marriage. He was probably never like that.
He is overly conscious of his phone:
Phones are mobile, he would say when you ask him why he is always with his phone. However, if you notice a change in his attitude towards the use of his phone, it could be that he is hiding something from you.
Marina Sbrochi, in a conversation with Bustle states that you should look out for the red light when his phone is always in the silent mode. Some may even refuse to pick their calls when you are in sight. In essence if there is a change in the way he acts towards his phone, your husband is probably cheating
He lies about different things:
Something about lying is that it begets another lie. If your husband tries to cover up his tracks by lying about other things, you should be wary. He may be cheating and probably tries to lie about other things (including falsely accusing you) to hold his ground.
He avoids being intimate:
One of the very important aspect of marriage is intimacy. If your husband avoids touching you, if he does not want to hold hands or avoid any romantic communication, then he is probably getting it somewhere else.
In some cases, some men try to see their wives as their side girl while in the bed room together. This type of man may begin to as you for things you have never done before.
He stays away from you:
While he previously comes home early to stay with you, he may begin to stay away from you. If he stays out longer than usual, he avoids direct contact with you or ignores your call, your husband is likely to be cheating on you
He dresses to impress:
Usually, when a man is into a lady or when a man wants a lady, he tries to impress her to gain her attention or more of her. If your husband suddenly begins to take care of himself than he previously does, then he is trying to get a hold of something
He may have told you that he likes to keep his beards but he suddenly shaves leaving everything as though the beards were never there, you should know that there is someone or something out there he did it for
While these are signs he is cheating on you, one of these may not be enough to conclude he is. So if the only thing he does is change his looks without avoiding you, then he may not be cheating.
Now, if you call him for a conversation and you point out these signs to him and he shows no willingness to change his attitude then you can be sure that he has another woman.
Scrutinizing yourself does not mean you are acknowledging the fat that you probably cheated on your husband. Scrutinizing yourself here means that you place yourself under a strict check. Look out for what he says when he accuses you
If he says he saw you flirt with friends, then you should stop it. While innocent flirting may be your own way of being friendly, it could be minimal. Instead of holding hands with another guy and allowing him to hug you affectionately you can do more of side hugs and less of holding hands
If the person he accuses you of cheating with is a close friend, you can tell him about the matter so he would not feel bad when you suddenly change your attitude towards him. Placing yourself under strict observation helps you to get back your husband
Talk to him: ‘but I have talked to him already’ Well, Yes, but you do not expect a single communication to change things. Talking to him should not make you furious and while he is busy pointing out your faults and why he thinks you are cheating, ensure you stay calm.
Here are 5 ways to communicate in order to deal with the matter at hand
Ask him to expressly explain why he thinks you are cheating: Though you have previously scrutinized yourself to see where he may have deduced his accusations but you cannot thoroughly see through yourself.
Ask him for the basis of his allegations. Ask if his friends reported you, if he caught you doing something continuously and request to know his exact reasons for accusing you. Do not forget that you have to be as calm as possible if you want answers. With or without tangible reasons, ask him why he thinks you would actually cheat.This question will surely put him aback. If his accusations were based on other grounds, he will surely reflect on his actions. It could be that he was jealous and so concluded because he does not want make known his feelings. Check this YouTube video on how important these questions are
State your own side of the story:
After taking time to listen to him narrate your own side of the story. If he feels insecure about your partner at work, tell him how insensitive you are about the closeness and how you did not mean to be that close to him.
If you think your husband will be cool with it, you can even tell your partner to call him so they can talk together as men. You can even get them to be friends to further re-assure your husband of your faithfulness.
Profess your love for him:
Psychologists have stated that one of the best ways to gain a man’s attention is by holding his hands when he least expects. Hold his hands and tell him how much you love him and how much you are willing to work out your marriage.
Let him know how painful it is to be falsely accused and how it has affected other aspects of your life. Let him know what it means to falsely accuse.
Drop the discussion:
After expressing your emotions, let him know that you no longer want to talk about the issue. Now, if he has been using his false allegations to cover up his infidelity, he would know that his cover is blown.
If after these, he continues to accuse you of cheating, there is probably a bigger problem. He may be cheating indeed. So, you should check my post on ‘what to do when my husband cheats on me’. It will help you handle him better.
You should also check Dave Carder’s video on how to handle false accusation
Know that nobody can force anything on anyone. Make your points clear and be ready for anything. You have done your part. But do not think of spending the rest of your life with a man that disrespects you with false allegations.
If you have kids with him, it will be unhealthy for them and they may grow old having insecurity issues. So, look through your relationship and see whether you can bear it.
You can drop your questions in the comment session if you have any. Share this, someone will need it.
No one wants to be wrongly accused. Fight for your marriage and make your decisions afterwards. It’s Now or Never!