27 Characteristics Of Emotionally Unavailable Men: Can They Change?
Are you dating or married to an emotionally unavailable man and wondering if he'll ever change?
Do you try to connect with him on a deeper level to move your relationship to the next level, but fail to get the same in return?
Do you feel that you're trying to put your blood, sweat, and tears into the relationship while he remains pre-occupied and is unable to give himself emotionally?
If so, you've come to the right place and I have a solution for you - but it's extremely important start addressing this problem in your relationship immediately.
The first thing you need to make sure is that he is being faithful to you.
Almost all of the time, emotionally unavailable men have something to hide that they don’t want YOU to know about.
I recommend using a simple background checker like this one to find out whether he's trying to hide something.
Simply run his name through the system and it'll show you where he's been, who he has been hanging out with, and will give you a pretty good sign as to whether he's been faithful to you.
Once you've ruled that out we can move onto the next step where I'll explain how one of my friends dated a man who was emotionally unavailable.
My Personal Experience
While I have personally never dated a man who was emotionally unavailable, one of my closest friends has and I remember the emotional roller coaster she went through. I want to share this journey she went through with you so that you can identify whether your man is emotionally unavailable and if so, what you should do. We all have to help each other which is what we women are great at doing.
If youre dating a man who always seems to keep his distance, has never opened up to you or haseven admitted that he has a problem with trusting women, it can make the relationship hard. One of the main things that my friend learnt while dating her man was that she had to let him come to her and not try and force him to open up about his emotions.
If you try and force him to talk about his feelings or get him to come closer to you, it could have the complete opposite effect and push him further away. He may even start to resent you because of the pressure you are putting on him.
In today's blog post, I am going to go through the signs to determine whether your man is emotionally unavailable, what you should do if he is emotionally unavailable and how to differentiate between him being emotionally unavailable and simply not being interested (hate to say it).
What Are The Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Man
If you are reading this blog post then I am guessing you are unfortunately having problems in your relationship and you believe your man may be emotionally unavailable. Before you label him emotionally unavailable though, lets be sure first.
I have listed 12 signs that may mean he is emotionally unavailable. He does not have to show signs of them all to be emotionally unavailable. Equally, if he shows signs of one then it also might not mean he is emotionally unavailable and that it is just his personality.
If he shows signs of a few of the below then it is more than likely that your man is emotionally unavailable. If so, you can carry on reading to find out the best way to deal with it and how you can draw him closer to you rather than you try and force yourself on him.
I sat down with my friend to think about how her man behaved when he was emotionally unavailable to be able to come up with these signs. Anyhow, no time like the present...lets get started on finding out whether your man is in fact emotionally unavailable and do something about it.
One of the signs that could mean your man is emotionally unavailable is if he continuously blames others for things in his past or present. My friend would always tell me how she gets the blame for almost anything and everything. While we all moan about this from time to time, it seemed more of a deep rooted problem in her relationship.
Men who are emotionally unavailable will tend to blame their girlfriends for the most silliest of things because they are unconsciously trying to push them away. Love is one of the most powerful emotions and so you can imagine how scary that thought is to men who are emotionally unavailable. This is why they may become more distant as the relationships goes on.
You may also notice that he blames past relationships for not wanting to do things together like going on holiday or moving in together. This is a big jump in a relationship which might trigger his emotionless traits.
If you feel your man is pushing you away by blaming things on your or past relationships then it is time to start thinking about how you can bring him back to be closer to you.
Starts As A Whirlwind
This is one of the more unusual but common signs that a man is emotionally unavailable. It is unusual because when you first started dating he was probably a real charmer and super romantic. The relationship started like a whirlwind. As time has gone on though the whirlwind seems to have disappeared and now you are left with a man who is growing more distant.
This is because emotionally unavailable men will fear the relationship as it becomes more serious. They enjoy the thrill of dating and the chase of winning a girls heart. But when he finally does win her heart, it is almost like the flame burns out and he realizes that things are getting more serious.
My friend said that when she was first dating her man, he was a real charmer and I remember how excited she always was and always told me of these great stories about him. I also remember how sudden that whirlwind stopped for her. While me and my man have certainly had our ups and downs, it was never so much that I thought his whole personality had changed. This is what my friend felt like. She realized that she had no idea who he really was.
He Won’t Go There
If you your man regularly refuses to go there then he is most likely emotionally unavailable. Men who are emotionally unavailable do not like to commit to things that are outside of their comfort zone and so they simply refuse to even go there.
This can be pretty frustrating when you want to introduce him to your family, would like to move in with him, go on holiday or anything else. My friend mainly had issues with her man not wanting to move in or even go out with the rest of us couples. It was like he had not acknowledged that he was in fact in a relationship himself. If you are going through the same then I feel for you. I know my friend would start blaming herself every now and again which is never a good thing to do. Remember that it is not anything that you have done; it is something that he needs to overcome.
She eventually got him to come around and he seems to have come a long way since then so don't believe that he will never change. I will explain later on how to deal with an emotionally unavailable man but for now, lets carry on with the others signs.
Knows What He Is But Doesn’t Change
This can be one of the most frustrating traits of an emotionally unavailable man. If he tells you that he knows that he is crap at relationships then he already knows that he is emotionally unavailable. You would think that if he knew he was crap at relationships then he would work on it to become a better boyfriend. With emotionally unavailable men however, this isn't the case.
They know their relationship flaws but seem to own it and not attempt to change or do anything about it. If you really like or even love this guy then this can be upsetting and there could be a rocky road ahead for you. It does not mean that you need to move on though, my friend managed to turn things around and she is now married to her man who was once emotionally unavailable.
A lot of women in relationships with emotionally unavailable men will believe that this is something that will never change and come to accept this behavior. Don't reward him for this behavior though because it can be changed. I will explain how you can do this further on in this blog post. You deserve to be treated like a queen so don't settle for anything less.
Sees Himself As Above Others
Men who are emotionally unavailable are always assessing people and situations rather than living the experience. For example, if a waiter comes to write down your order you will say hello, smile and tell him what food you want to order. This is living the experience. In comparison, a man who is emotionally unavailable will do the same but while doing it will be assessing the waiter and deem himself better than he. This is him assessing rather than experiencing.
While its great and attractive for a man to be confident, you don't really want him to believe he is better than others and looks down upon people. Looking down on people is never an attractive trait and is one of the more obvious traits of emotionally unavailable men.
If your man has this trait then he has most likely never or rarely had casual conversations with people he doesn't know or to people who don't benefit him in any way. He most likely strikes up conversation with people first only if they can offer him something of value. For example, in his workplace he most likely strikes up conversation with the CEO in the kitchen area but never the intern or secretary. Like with the other signs, this is something that he can work on.
He’s A Perfectionist
Men who are perfectionists could possibly be emotionally unavailable although it doesn't always mean so. I would probably only deem him emotionally unavailable if he is showing signs of other traits listed here as well. Men who are perfectionists will struggle to come to terms with things they cannot control such as yourself.
This can become even more of an issue if you suggest a big change such as moving in together. If he currently has his own apartment then he is used to having full control of his own space. The thought of moving in together would probably scare him because he will have to share his space with another and he will no longer have full control to settle his perfectionism.
Not only that, but a perfectionist may believe that others will never be good enough. This is quite worrying as it could possibly lead him to stray later on in the relationship if he no longer deems you good enough and finds another woman who is. He will eventually do the same to that woman and the cycle will go on and on.
Dont ever believe you arent good enough for anyone though! This problem of perfectionism is a problem of his, not yours.
It’s Always About Him
A relationship should be about give and take but if you're guy is all about take, take, take then he could very well be emotionally unavailable. You will be able to identify this trait if he always wants to do things he wants to do such as picking films or choosing restaurants to eat at. If he gets into a grump until he gets his own way then he is only thinking about himself and ignoring what you want to do.
This doesnt just relate to doing things though, it could be for feelings to. A man who is only ever thinking about himself will always somehow seem to turn things around to make it about him. For example, you might tell your man how you're having problems at work with your manager and instead of him listening to you; he ends up telling you about his even worse problem.
He is most likely doing this because he, unconsciously or not, does not want to connect on a deeper level and talk about feelings. He makes it about himself so as to avoid any emotional connection with you. Again, dont believe that it is you that is the problem. The problem is that he is afraid to connect.
He Refuses To Talk
Now before I go into this one, I want to start off by saying that there is a difference between a man who refuses to talk and a man who is a man of very few words. My grandad for example hardly ever spoke a word but that wasn't because he refused to talk, it was just because he was always content in silence and would talk when he needed to and not to just fill in gaps.In comparison, a man who refuses to talk will refuse to tell you of important matters, to have a heart to heart discussion or when he is having problems.
It is hard to build a relationship with someone who isn't giving you anything in return in terms of conversation. It is hard to establish a connection beyond physical attraction without conversation. It can be frustrating when your man wont open up to you. I have gone through this one myself and itfrustrated the hell out of me. Every time I tried to talk about something serious or get him to open up, he would somehow make a joke of it and change the subject.
While having fun in a relationship is absolutely vital, it is also important to have those heart to heart talks every now and again.
He Is Passive Aggressive
Another sign that your man may be emotionally unavailable is if he is passive aggressive. Again, this isn't the most attractive of traits but when we have our eyes set on a guy, we tend to ignore certain traits or believe they will change.
Passive aggressive is a term used to describe people (not just men) who avoid direct confrontation. When someone is passive aggressive they will almost brush you away rather than face a problem head on. Doing this will never resolve any issues in the relationship because nothing is ever resolved,but rather brushed off and shoved to the side.
This is another one that I have experienced in the past with my now husband. It used to drive me insane when he would say ok, lets leave it now. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just talk tome so we can come to a mutual agreement or disagreement. It felt like everything was left unresolved. It finally got to a point where he realized that for us to stop having these stupid arguments then we had to resolve them as they happened. Guess what? It worked.
He’s Had An Affair
Ok so this is the worst sign of the lot and definitely the most obvious sign. If your man has had or is having an affair then his emotion to you will be unavailable. I hate talking about affairs because I feel for any woman who has been through it or is going through it. It is a horrible way to treat someone and is something I can never fathom. While I understand not everything is as simple as black &white, I still find it very hard to believe there is any reasonable reason for someone cheating on their partner.
Anyway, rant over! Out of all the signs I have listed, this one is undoubtedly the hardest one to fix...if it something you wish to fix.
At this point, many women will walk away from the relationship but for those of you who wish to give him another chance then it will be a hard road for you, I wont lie. It will take you a very longtime to get over his mistrust and it may be something that keeps coming up in arguments even years later. If you are going to give him another chance, I highly recommend going to regular counselling sessions.
He Tells Lies
A man who is emotionally unavailable will easily be able to lie and almost think that it is ok to do so.These lies could be for anything small and unnecessary such as what time they got home from visiting their mum to anything big such as why they didn't return home till the next day after a night out.
My friend told me that her fella would tell her the most random of lies which he didn't even need to lie about. She told me that he lied to her once about what he had for dinner because he didn't want to tell her he had a McDonald's. While this doesn't seem so harmless, all of these little lies build and in the end she couldn't believe anything he said which became a problem later on in their relationship.
Men who are emotionally unavailable will be able to so easily lie and not think anything of it. He will not realize that he is hurting you or damaging the trust you have in him. Because they are emotionally unavailable, they simply don't really care as long as they are enjoying themselves or don't get any grief.
He Never Argues Or Gets Angry With You
This may seem like a good thing but it really isnt. There is nothing worse than when he refuses to confront something and brushes you aside. A man who is emotionally unavailable will try their very best to avoid any confrontation because this involves an emotion. They don't want to get into a fight with you because fights can actually bring some closer together...hence the term make up ex.
My relationship improved a great deal after I told my now husband and then boyfriend that I needed him to shout back at me and get angry because brushing me off wasn't getting anything resolved and the same disagreement would keep coming back up.
We eventually learnt to talk or fight it out until we both came to an agreement or disagreement. Ending an argument without the other person not agreeing or agreeing on disagreement will cause resentment and a hostile environment, trust me I know. Since my man started to learn how to get angry back and stop shrugging problems off, the relationship grew stronger and stronger and of course, we are now married.
Stop Chasing And Let Him Come To You
Now that you know some of the signs that might mean your man is emotionally unavailable, it is time I tell you what to do to make the relationship work.
If there is one thing that you need to keep reminding yourself throughout this journey is that you must let him come to you and not force him to become closer. Trying to make him do anything will not end well and may push him further and further away.
This is exactly how my friend managed to turn her emotionally unavailable boyfriend into her now loved up husband. Hopefully I can help you do the same so that you can tell us all about your successful relationship in the near future.
So, now that you know that you must let your man come closer on his accord, the question now is how to do it? You may think it simply means to just wait around until he decides to change one day.This isn't the case you can subtly help him come closer to you. Don't worry, I am the woman full of relationship wisdom and will explain all.
How Do You Get Him To Come To You
So how do you get him to come closer to you? You have to be completely selfless and giving and let everything be on his terms. This means not forcing the idea of meeting family, moving in together or any other form of commitment. It is important for him to think of these things himself and on his own terms.
This doesnt just mean for the bigger things in life, it is also for the little things. Let him hug you, kiss you, caress you and be around you on his own terms. Not having the pressure of you wanting to be around him when hes not ready or being too feely when he isn't ready could cause him to pull away from you.
Letting him make these decisions on his own will be a sure fire way to bring him closer emotionally to you. This can be hard though if all you want to do is text him, hug him and generally be around him. Youre going to need some strong willpower for this.
Don’t Reward For Bad Behavior
This sounds slightly strange but stay with me on this one. You have to learn to control how to react to his behaviors. For example, if you feel like he is not listening to your problems or worries or caring enough about your feelings then you must not throw a tantrum. This means no pouting, no throwing plates, no screaming and no door slamming. You must remain calm and almost play him at his own game.
If the next time he doesn't give any care or reaction to your feelings then don't reward this behavior by continuing to show him love when he cant do the same for you. Next time he mentions a problem that he is facing then do the same to him and ignore his feelings.
After this, it is game of just sitting and waiting for him to approach you and make the first move about feelings. You can then reward him for this by showing your love for him too. This will actually help your emotionally unavailable man come closer to you because the process is based on structure and not pure emotions. While that doesn't sound like the most romantic thing in the world, it iswhat will work and is what will help him to become more romantically inclined.
What To Do With An Emotionally Unavailable Man
What to do with an emotionally unavailable man can be draining. He never opens up to you because his head is always in the clouds. He looks at you when you are talking to him, but his eyes look vacant. His eyes look vacant because he is not interested in what you are saying. Your man is there in person, but not there emotionally. He very rarely smiles because he is stuck. He is stuck on a plateau.
He does not know how to move forward in the relationship. You will know that there is something about you that he likes, but you will have to be patient trying to find out what it is. He might have been hurt in the past and that is why he doesn't seem attentive a lot of the time. If you really like him, you should try to help him. Try to get him to open up to you. Keep the conversations you have with him on a light note. Being too heavy with your man is not going to work. He needs a lot of reassurance, and if you are willing to put the time and effort into help him, you might be rewarded by finding the real person behind the vacant look.
Just Because He’s Unemotional Doesn’t Mean He’sDead
Just because he is unemotional does not mean he is dead, quite frankly he could have a lot to offer in the relationship. Something has made your man the person he is today. Something or someone has made him close his mind emotionally. You can bring him out of his shell by being there for him when he wants to talk. If you can get him to talk about what it is that has closed him down emotionally, you might be able to see the real person buried underneath.
All of this excess turmoil that is obviously running around his head can not be good for him. You should try to make it your goal to get him to smile at last once a day. One smile will lead to another and eventually he will laugh with you at your antics to make him happy. He deserves happiness in his life. You could be the person to give it to him. Imagine how close you will become if you are the one that can bring him back from this unemotional state. Your relationship would be a unique one because it will be totally based on how you dedicated your time to him. I think when he does finally open up and let you into his heart, you will find a heart that is beating strong and true.
Ignore The Positives And Believe The Negatives
Ignore the positives and believe the negatives and you will come to the conclusion that you are getting nowhere in the relationship. If you have tried everything in your power to break through the hard outer shell of your man with no success, then I think it might be time for you to take a deep breath and move on. You can hold your head up high knowing that you were there to help your man but he just could not or would not let you get through to him. His world is a closed one so he finds it hard to let you into his world.
Please accept that it is not your fault that you could not seem to get through to him. Some men are loners. They live from one day to the next in a bubble of their own making. They do not seem to care about other people's feelings because if truth be known they do not have feelings of their own. I know when you met him you must have found him attractive and you probably clung to the positive things about him. Maybe it was his good looks. Maybe it was his strong physique. Whatever it was that you found positive about him will almost certainly have vanished now due to the negative side of him.
The negatives out weigh the positives now and you really are fighting a battle you can not win. Do yourself a favor and move on. You are a nice person and you need love in your life. Unfortunately in this relationship with this negative man you are not going to find the love you are after.
Just Because He’s Unemotional Doesn’t Make Him Evil
Just because he is unemotional does not make him evil, underneath the blank expression is a man trying to escape from within. Never look at him as if he is evil, he is not. He has forgotten how to show his emotions. You can help him learn again. There will be times when it will seem like a thank less task, but if you are determined to be there for your man he will repay you many times over when he is feeling better. It might be that he has had a lot of grief in his life and he feels guilty smiling or laughing. Time is a great healer and together you will journey through life learning more and more about each other as you go. What a lovely trusting relationship you will have.
If You Say You’re A Powerful Woman...Be One
If you say you are a powerful woman....be one, let your actions speak louder than words. Your man knows you have got what it takes to get things done. He is already proud of your achievements. You are a go getter, when something needs doing you are the one to do it. Your man is happy to let you take the reins, he is happy that you are the driving force in the relationship. Even though you are a busy bee you always make time for your man, he is happy with the way you treat him and head mires the way you fit so much into your life. Yours is a relationshipthat is going places.
Emotionally Unavailable Or Not Interested
Emotionally unavailable or not interested men can be hard to date. You do not know how they feel about you. You will know that although you do everything for him your efforts are going unnoticed.It is incredibly difficult to cope with a one sided relationship. It is impossible to carry on giving yourself wholeheartedly to a man who offers you nothing in return. Ask your man outright what his feelings are for you. You might not like what you hear, but at least you will have some indication of where your relationship is headed. If it is time to end it. Be confident and precise when you approach your man to tell him it is over. He might tell you he will change or he might tell you he has strong feelings for you. If he cannot show you these feelings, there is no future for you in this relationship.
Loving An Emotionally Unavailable Man Can Be Difficult
Loving an emotionally unavailable man can be difficult because there will be very little response from him for you. It is unfair for you not to feel any love from your man. There may be a very real and tragic reason that he can not commit to you with emotion. If he can open up to you and tell you what it is that keeps him so trapped within himself, you might stand a chance of helping him. I think you should at least try to encourage him to talk to you so that you can get to the heart of the matter. I think you will be more settled inside yourself knowing that you have tried your best to help him. By helping him, you are helping yourself. You will find out exactly where you stand with him. One thing you do have to be aware of is that if he does not open up emotionally to you, you might run the risk of being dragged down with him. Please make your decision regarding the future you face with this man by thinking about yourself and what it is that what you want.
After looking at all the aspects you might face when you are involved with an emotionally challenged man, I think you need to consider you relationship with him very carefully. By reading about the things you can and can not do, you might discover that you can commit to your man. Or you might be ready to walk away. At least by giving lots of thought to the relationship you will have much more informed opinions to assist you. I hope you make the right decision for yourself. I hope you can be happy in the future.