My Husband or Boyfriend Takes Me for Granted. What Should I Do?
Do you feel like your husband or boyfriend is taking you for granted?
It really sucks to be with a man who doesn’t love you and appreciate you.
Not only that, but it must be really awful to feel unloved when you take the time out of your day to do those extra little things that he likes…
And he doesn’t even say as much as a simple “thank you” for what you’ve done!
I'll explain a little bit later how you can fix this behavior but first we must take a step back...
First you need to dig deep and determine exactly what it is that stops your man from opening up and appreciating you for who you are.
Because if you’re being taken for granted, it will make you unhappy and miserable. Over time, you will find that your wishes and dreams for life are left unfulfilled.
There is a ton of research out there on the devastating health effects that women experience when they are in an unsatisfying relationship.
Experts suggest that you do a ton of things at the same time to try and change this, but there’s one thing you should do before you think about ANYTHING else…
Make sure he's being faithful to you.
Even if he tells you that he is, I recommend using a simple online background checker to make sure that you're not missing any red flags.
All you do is enter his name and it will give you an entire report on him.
This'll show you exactly where he's been, who he's been talking to frequently, and will give you a good feel for whether he's been faithful.
If according to the background checker he’s not seeing anybody else, lying to you about who he is, or hiding anything from you, you are in the clear.
You can take the reins in your relationship and try out some time-tested strategies for getting your man to give you his total attention and devotion.
My Personal Story On How I Was Taken For Granted
I've been married for 13 years now which when I think about it...that's a third of my life! Wow for some reason I've never thought about it like that before. For most of my relationship I've been very happily married now, but at the start of our relationship we had some serious issues where I was being taken for granted.
Perhaps because you are taken for granted you are neglecting yourself in important ways. Perhaps you are giving up on your own needs, wishes and dreams for life. Or perhaps you just feel like the relationship has been drifting for a while and you want to take back some control.
This of course can be a two way thing but here I have listed ways that you can get out of this major relationship rut.
Make Him Miss You
This is very important if you have been living together for so long. If so, you may have the tendency to live in one another's shadows and so you may forget what it feels like to miss each other. I know from personal experience the effect this has. If you're always just there hanging round cooking tea or pottering around, your man may just think you're happy to do this and take it as red that he can ignore you while the football is on and pick up the conversation as is convenient.
This can be harmful to your relationship as it means that the two of you may just be sailing along in ruttsville. Sometimes in order to get him back, you may have to lose him for a while. When you back off you will know if you cannot live without one another and when he does come to the decision he is missing you, he will have more respect, devotion and perspective than before. Like the saying goes all good things come to those who wait but don't leave it too long, there's a fine line between hanging around for someone to miss you and moving on.
Make Yourself Unavailable
Don't always be so accessible to your partner. If you drop things the minute he wants you and come running this will become the norm. Instead, next time if it is half time during the game and asks you what there is to eat, Lead him to the fridge and tell him you're going out. Another way is to busy yourself with something you want to do so he doesn't just expect things from you.
It's about give and take in a relationship. Men like a challenge; they love the thrill of the chase. Some women neglect their own needs to see to their partners. This makes you become less of an equal partner and more of a doormat. Caring about ourselves sends a strong message to our partner. We are then in a better place to articulate our needs and make changes in a relationship. Also, just by making yourself less available, you bring back some of the thrills of the chase and he will have more respect for you.
Become Aloof From Time To Time
If your man isn't giving you the attention you deserve you need to show him how this feels. There are plenty of times in the past I've seen the head nodding and the murmurs of agreement to go along with it as if he knows exactly what I'm saying but when I've brought it back up another time my man has no idea what I'm talking about.
This as you can imagine is very frustrating. If you're finding this happening more and more don't get angry, next time he is trying to tell you something purposefully respond coolly at what he has to say.If you've got some news don't share it unless you know you're going to get a conversation rather than a few pointed nods here and there.If you pull back a little, this will refocus his attention.He should wonder why you're not listening which will give you a chance to talk about how you've been feeling lately.
Play Him At His Own Game
This is like above, men sometimes don't even realize what they are doing until it happens to them. By acting aloof they will wonder why you're so cool. This is the reaction you want, just to make them re-think things and not to push them away. Also if your man, like mine, never knows when to stop when it comes to going out with the lads he needs to realize what is okay for him is good enough for you to do too.
With this behavior you have to be careful as tit for tat doesn't always work out for the best if neither of you know when to give in. But hopefully it will only take a few times of wobbling in at ridiculous hours for him to see that there must be an equal balance in the relationship where time is made for both of you;its not just a one way street.
I must stress that this rule doesn't work for the long term. Playing someone at their own game can be seen as childish by some. An open line of conversation is the best route however a little reminder of whats good enough for him is good enough for you is the point you're trying to make.
Persist In Your Resistance
The key here is to be persistent in your new found ways. You mustn't let yourself slip back into that rut so easily, if and when you see a change for the better remind your man and yourself that you both have to put effort into a relationship. It must be a lifestyle change that you aim for. No more just expecting that its fine for you to be second fiddle to football, mates, booze, Xbox.
This is a partnership; you need to make each other happy. You need to work as a team, but a team that has your own individual interests, hobbies and goals too. But by concentrating on your own happiness first, your man will show more interest in you and respond with your new busy lifestyle.
In my experience it would've been easy after 13 years to just accept that it's the way things go, we learn to take each other for granted but that's only true to some extent. I believe we get comfy and a little lazy in love which is why we must work at it. He may have seen you at your worst and at your best but you should never give in making an effort for one another.
Yes have those make-up free days but just don't make a habit of not making an effort. A little lipstick and mascara can make you feel good about yourself too. You must be pro-active in keeping that spark alive. If you are worried he is losing interest you need to do something about it. That doesn't mean constantly chasing and fighting for his attention.
If you make a change within yourself this will keep his interest in you alive. To keep re-igniting the spark after so many years to change with the times, to continue to better yourself with every day and your relationship will become stronger than ever.
Organize a Girls Night
Make plans with your friends which don't include your man. One of the best ways of keeping your man's interest is to keep him guessing. Doesn't it feel great when you do yourself up for a night outwith the girls and he says you look nice, where are you going? It just goes to show that he does care and notices when you make an effort.
Maybe that little bit of jealousy creeping in too that you may get some admiring glances. This is healthy in a relationship....as long as hes not saying that skirts too short where do you think you're going? There has to be mutual trust in a relationship. Plus the fact if he see's you going out and having fun with your friends there won't be issues about him spending time with his own friends.
Many women push their friends away to prioritize their relationships. This only causes tension down the line as they come to rely on their partners too much for a social life and this leads the man to feeling smothered.
Always Be Busy
If you've been relying on the companionship in your relationship too much, just hanging around waiting till hes free to do something together this is never going to get your man to change his ways.
It will also play a part in losing some of his respect for you. By making yourself busy you will be sending out the right signals to your man, he cant just pick you up whenever he feels like as you have a life of your own which doesn't depend solely on him. Also you will feel better about yourself....nobody wants a dormant doormat as a companion.
Take on some new hobbies, go running, swimming or the gym. Arrange to go for coffee with friends.Go the cinema. All these are ways to find a focus that isn't solely your relationship. It not only lifts your spirits to have a busy schedule you can get stuck into it opens up some dialogue between you.He will then be more interested in you as a person again.
Improve Your Life
Don't just see the changes you make as something temporary but make some permanent changes in your life. One of the problems in long term relationships is that the two of you stop seeing and appreciating each other. To stop and re-evaluate your relationship from time to time is a healthy way to keep things fresh.
If you're just floating along on a cloud of unhappiness nothing will change in your partnership other than you feeling even more gloomy when he shows a lack of enthusiasm towards you.To rebuild that spark you once had make changes in your life to bring that closeness back. I remember way back in the early days of living together me and my man used to love getting together in the kitchen at the weekend with a glass of wine and the radio on.
It turned what can sometimes be a chore into something fun. Making time to do little things like this will bring back the bond and help just to enjoy each others company again. I suggest setting one day a week were you get together and do something mundane together such as cooking a meal,watching that box set you've been waiting to watch or going for a power walk to burn off some calories together.
I recently started power walking with my partner and found that we spurred each other on. We take a speedometer and set a target to try and stick to; afterwards I can honestly say I felt really good about myself. Its little steps like this which count in a loving relationship.
This is something we should all strive for but is especially important so the relationship doesn't get stagnant. Early in our relationship I remember I used to be interested in learning languages. I got myself a tape cassette and language book set....those were the days! Anyway I enjoyed it so much that I got my man to join in with me.
It turned out he was a much faster learner and it didn't last. However you should constantly try to improve yourself to keep the relationship alive and give you both something to talk about. When you're with each other for so long things can get dull if you don't have anything different to discussion a day to day basis.
Communication is key in any relationship but he doesn't want to hear for the fourth time that week what you had for lunch. He will value and respect you if you have hobbies or set yourself goals. Something I have a keen interest in is dance, I enjoy Salsa. When me and my partner had a separation I used to go to salsa and I really enjoyed it.
This is another hobby I'd like to get my man involved in but as hes not a natural dancer up to now I haven't succeeded but I still have hopes of convincing him. However a hobby I enjoy alone is Zumba, this combines dance and fitness. Its a great exercise to socialize and meet a new circle of friends too.
Enjoy Your Own Company
Every girl should know that it doesn't take a man alone to make you happy. Its a cliché yes but it's very true. You cant expect your man to want to spend time with you all day every day, space is healthy and gives you time to become a better person. Curling up with a good book or going for a solitary walk can be really enjoyable.
A book gives you something to get excited about and you can talk passionately about it with your man instead of just getting stuck in front of the TV. After so many years you may not think it's possible to have an air of mystery about you which can be alluring. By doing things alone it will maybe not create mystery but it will encourage more interest in you as a person.
The library is a great space to go and browse the books to enjoy alone time. My sister has always loved going swimming;its the tranquility of the pool along with the exercise that it gives her. There are even some occasions where she has had the pool to herself during the days when people are at work and children at school.
Treat Yourself to A Pamper
A lot of the time people get so comfortable with each other that they let themselves go. Feeling good about yourself will mean you carry yourself with more confidence. When was the last time you treated yourself to a full pamper session?! Taking care of you will keep the attraction alive. Its all too easy to get into a habit of not shaving your legs and becoming a little lazy with your skin care routine.
You think he loves you for better or for worse right. But that doesn't mean you can turn into a sloth! Apart from the not letting yourself go and the confidence it just feels good, so why not. I find setting yourself some time to yourself at night when you can light some candles and use all those bath sets you've been wanting to treat yourself with is the best time. Hang a do not disturb sign on the door and just relax. And then afterwards you will feel and smell so good he wont be able to keep his hands off you, which is never a bad thing!
Show Him What He’s Missing
If you want to gain your mans attention back he needs to know what hes missing. If you don't want him to get a wandering eye you need to show him whats right in front of him. After all you were once the one that caught his attention from all others. Think what was it that he liked? Apart from the initial attraction of looks and of course there's a lot to be said for going all out to put on your best dress, a little make-up and a knockout smile.
But apart from that was it your sense of humor that kept him coming back for more, or was it maybe your caring nature or intelligence. Of course he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, men like a challenge. You need to get back to basics and let him know that you are worth his attention and that he must value that worth if he wants to keep you. I suggest putting the effort in that you first did when you got together when it comes to your appearance and see if he notices that you are making the effort for him.
Don’t Include Him In Your Birthday Plans
If he hasn't been paying you the attention you deserve lately maybe he deserves to be left out of your plans for him to see what hes missing out on. Its become tradition every year for you and your man to do something together on your birthday. Don't get me wrong this is a lovely tradition to have to celebrate your special day with someone special but if he's been taking you for granted lately maybe a kick up the behind is what will make him think twice as to why suddenly hes been dropped from your birthday plans.
This is not a matter of being spiteful its just a case of who's deserving of you going out of your way to spend time with them. Hopefully when he realizes how neglected you've been feeling he will understand and try harder in the future.
Teach Him to Respect You
To gain his respect you must put yourself first and act a little selfishly. Right now all he sees is you standing by him regardless of how he's treating you. He carries on with his day to day routine with expectations of you cooking, cleaning and barely even noticing you're there. He's not a mind reader so if you think you're not getting the respect you deserve talk to him.
Tell him how you feel, that you feel taken for granted and feel your relationship is drifting. When your man respects you he is going to treat you well. You need to challenge him; he will admire your opinion even if it is different from his. He will highly respect your ability to hold your own. Respect yourself and he will respect you, if you don't think very much of yourself it will show so you must think you are deserving of respect.
Plus a relationship is based on honesty; no relationship without honesty is worth having. Also you mustn't take everything seriously and learn to laugh at yourself; a sense of humor is an alluring quality.
Plan A Weekend Away Without Him
Any excuse is enough reason for a weekend away but this time don't include your man in your plans.If he hasn't been noticing you lately maybe a little time apart will make him miss you. Take yourself off to the beautiful countryside where you can take in the fresh air and have space to rethink things about your relationship.
This will also give your man space to think and realize he is missing you. The lack of meaning or real connection in a day to day relationship can sometimes bore us senseless. Going away shows that you don't have to live in each others pockets, that you are flexible and you can survive without your partner for a couple of days.
It also shows that you trust each other to spend time apart. To remember what it is to be two people with your own lives who choose to come back to one another. This also gives you time to invest in your other relationships with family and friends. It's good to have support around you so that if the worst does happen and your relationship does break up you have your family and friends around you to take your mind off things and help you move forward.
Go to Bed At A Different Time Than Him
Because your man is taking you for granted, you're probably used to him playing on his phone or laptop at night instead of asking you how you are. He probably doesn't realize how much he enjoys just having you there next to him. Right now you're nothing more than a hot water bottle. So you need to help him to remember by not making yourself so accessible at night.
Maybe watch that movie you've been waiting to watch or reading a good book. By just not being present at this time of night you will no longer be just a warm body to cuddle up to. Make it clear that it's some attention or some hot sex that you want from him at this time of night, not to be ignored. I know it's bed time but pillow talk like we all have at the beginning of a relationship forms intimacy and often slides by the way side in a long term relationship.
Don’t Put Him On a Pedestal
Depending on how long you've been together you might still have stars in your eyes. I remember in the early days with my man I thought he could do no wrong. I put him on this pedestal thinking how lucky I was to have him. I still think I am lucky to have him and I think this is a good thing in a relationship however if you think of him as somehow being better than you then this is not an equal partnership.
Since the early days we now have much more of an equal respect and love for one another. This includes when it comes to social activities. His social life is no more important than yours so don't take a back seat when it comes to making plans. As men sometimes they can withdraw and go out and find their own space if things aren't going their own way.
The pub might be like a second home to some and because your relationship is new maybe you are trying not to be that nagging fishwife so you just let it pass. But on the other hand if you were to is play the same behavior it wouldn't be acceptable to him. You need to realize early on that he is no better or worse than you; you are equal partners and instead of him running off when things are heavy on his mind you should talk it through.
Don’t Chase Him
There are many reasons for this, one of the main reasons is that it is in the guys nature to want to be the hunter not the hunted it's as simple as that. A guy enjoys the chase but he will not continue to chase if you do too much of the chasing. If you notice someone that you really like and you find that you have a strong attraction to them and you make it obvious you are attracted to them and they do not give you attention back, stop right there as they are not that attracted to you.
If a guy is attracted to you he will do most of the chasing, the minute you begin to get too full on with your chasing it is like a repellent to him. Even if he likes you it will scare him away. Sending a flirty text every now and then is ok but if you are the one making all the moves to arrange the dates you need to think twice.
Also trust in yourself that you are a great girl so why wouldn't he want to spend time with you. Just because you don't hear from him in a couple of days might actually mean that he is busy. He will come back to you if he likes you, trust in this.
With-hold Public Displays Of Affection
If your man is used to you holding hands or giving the odd cuddle in public you could withdraw from this for the time being. Pulling back a little and refusing to do so will make him question why. Many men don't realize how much public displays of affection means to them, unless its taken away from them.
So when you begin to withdraw your affection in public they realize you could now be perceived as single. If you get an admiring glance watch how quickly he starts to initiate it again. Again the little green monster is making an appearance in the best of ways. Who said a little bit of jealousy was all bad. This goes to show your man does still care about you, hes just forgotten how to show it lately.So give him that reminder that you are special and if he doesn't want you someone else will.
Talk To Him About Being Lackadaisical In The Bedroom
Over time have things become a little lacklustre in the bedroom. This shouldn't be ignored as a natural progression in a long relationship. You both need to talk about this. Talk through where things have become dull and see if you can inject a little more excitement and passion back in to things.
There are many different avenues you can explore these days to bring that fun back. It may be that your partner has been unable to broach these subjects with you but for intimacy to work you have to have an open line of communication. To help things along the way you could book a romantic weekend away where you will feel relaxed and the new surroundings might spice things up. Especially if you try an aphrodisiac for supper!
Make Him Aware A Relationship Runs Two Ways
If you are being taken for granted you need to speak to your partner in a non-argumentative way about how your relationship is a two way street, which will not work if one partner is putting more effort in than the other. When one person is a lone thinker whilst the other person is thinking as a team and trying to make up for the other person not pulling their weight, it cannot work.
The lone thinker may be as short sighted as to think that their interests become your interests because it suits them. Either way your partnership is not a healthy one. Fora relationship to work both ways you both need your own interests and hobbies. You also need a mutual respect for one another, and a willing to share some activities together on both sides.Even if at one point you were on the same page sometimes things change, and if we keep on blindly assuming, trusting and loving,we miss problems that are right in front of our faces.
Plan Date Nights Together
To keep any relationship healthy you need to make time for each other. Date nights should be ahighlight for all relationships when just the two of you go out and have fun. This will bring you closer together as a partnership and make happy memories to keep, which you can look back on through the bumpy times to let you know you do have something worth fighting for.
Going for a meal, the cinema, and bowling or to listen to some live music, all are great ways to let your hair down and have a laugh as a couple. Me and my man enjoy going to watch live music in a particular bar which we go to on a regular basis. It often has the same bands playing and we feel like this is our thing.
That feels good that we have a special place to go together. Out of pure coincidence as it has changed a lot since back then but it is also where we had our first kiss those many moons ago. If we ever did decide it was time to move on I'm sure we would remember this place with fondness.However you don't have to stick to familiarity on your date night, you could vary it as much as you wish. Its good to unearth new and exciting destinations for you to enjoy each others company in as that's what it is all about.
Suggest A Break
If you have tried everything and its still not working maybe it's time that you had some time apart - or you take a more professional approach using a proven course.
This will give you both time to think about if this relationship is still what you truly want. Re-evaluating your future may be a huge step for you and its not easy but do you want to spend the rest of your life being unhappy?
Talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel and that you feel like you have to take time to evaluate what is going on between the two of you and make sure it is right for you.
You could set a time of maybe a few of months away from each other and if after this time you feel like you are happier alone then your decision has been made.
However if after that time you find you are missing each other like crazy it's back to the drawing board and you will both have to learn to make compromises in your relationship in order for it to work.